Off the Editor’s Spike: The boon to Zoom

Due to coronavirus, I’ve decided to introduce video conferencing into our marriage. Yes, I know I could just text her while sitting across the breakfast table like some folks nowadays do. But in the name of progress, I consent to actually looking at my wife on the screen as she drones on about all the things she wants me to do. The way I figure it, my follow-thru on her “honey do…” lists were always virtual; now I won’t have to feign good intentions. Now, when doing nothing, I’ve “broadened my experiences in human interaction” by using video.
OK, nothing’s perfect. I read where many companies using video conferencing are trying so hard to succeed that they require employees to sit in front of a screen for multiple hours over multiple days – even taking video when stepping away for bathroom breaks and lunch. The risk of muscle and eye fatigue is real!
Long before video conferencing, husbands knew that. It’s not easy sitting perfectly still and staring ahead mindlessly as the wife goes through each day’s “Honey do…” litany. But listen, fellas. If coronavirus actually makes you work at home (an oxymoron if I ever heard one), don’t fight it. Join in the boon to Zoom.
For instance, plant that cutout you made of yourself for stadium seating in front of your video camera instead. If you’ve spent years ignoring your wife sitting still as she drones on, she’ll never notice. Consider complimenting her for engaging in a little face time whenever your paths next cross, and promptly move to safety beyond and away while she stands transfixed in bewilderment.
Yes, video conferencing with your wife at home is pure inspiration. But be practical. Consider these tips from the experts below, but especially note the invaluable tech support you’ll only read here:
Flex your virtual meeting time: “The maximum anyone should be in an online meeting is four hours; two hours is much better.”
Tech Support: When it comes to “Honey do…” lists, remind your wife how less is best. Remind her how advertising agencies spend billions hawking whatever in 30 seconds or less. Not more. She will not like this. So, if things get tense, just act distracted (like swatting a fly away or explain a lapse away from the screen as an urgent flight to the bathroom).
Template everything: “Make patterns for agendas, action items, result reviews and make these available from a central dashboard and emphasize what these are and how to find them.”
Tech Support: Delay work by developing the dashboard (note: this is not gluing another hula dancer on the dashboard of your pickup). Repeat. Remember, overt organization is the best means of avoiding work. For inspiration, just look at our government.
Protest pointless meetings: “Don’t invite a host of people to a meeting when they don’t need to be there.”
Tell your wife what one-on-one video conferencing means to you. Use terms like “special bonding” and “togetherness.” If she still demands that you go to work on something, describe the necessary research viewing YouTube. This may provide several days of legitimate delay, perhaps more. If she protests, remind her how research avoids the lure of pointless opinions of others which otherwise undoubtedly results in even more time lost or, worse, a botched project.
Treat meetings like contract discussions: “Document the decisions of each engagement and follow up on them.”
Tech Support: Write stuff down. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Just write small enough so that she can’t read what you’ve written on the video screen. Use several sheets of paper whenever possible. This is a great visual, giving the right impression that you’re serious about what you totally intend to avoid.
Don’t drive yourself to distraction: “Cutting distractions improves productivity.”
Tech Support: Make a big deal about giving your video conference time together top priority. If you don’t have a cell phone, borrow a toy phone from your kids. Before starting your Zoom session: 1. Open every app on your cell phone; 2. Position a TV in the background during the news (not a Gunsmoke rerun), 3. put an X-Box controller next to your keyboard (does not have to be plugged into games); 4. Turn up Pandora so that she can hear the lyrics of your favorite Johnny Cash song without her earphones. Now, slowly turn each thing off in any sequence to best advantage before smiling at her and saying, “You’ve got my 100% attention, dear!” For full effect, immediately close your video conference session, wait briefly before reconnecting in Zoom, and patiently repeat each step before smiling at her to say, “Oh, my… We must have lost connection to the router, dear.” Repeat ad nauseam.

I know this is foreign to some of you guys out there. But we’re living in a new (coronavirus) world. Think Red Green of TV fame. Recall the Man’s Prayer or recite the Possum Lodge Oath: “When all else fails, play dead.”
Any husband can embrace the advantages of video conferencing; every thinking man will join in this boon to Zoom. You don’t have to be high tech to understand the latest update to the adage about mind over matter: If she doesn’t mind, it virtually doesn’t matter.