When my predecessor, Joe Snyder, retired he “guestimated” the number of personal columns he penned as Post Scripts. I remember at the time his count depressed me, knowing his shoes I was expected to fill. Although my years at the helm of the newspaper now approach Joe’s total, I’m not sure that I’m as prolific as a personal columnist.
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My first collection of thoughts appeared under the heading “Ink Spots.” Then there was a lapse when, as a busy father and debt-ridden publisher, I just didn’t make time to ponder anything worthy of the ink. I was too busy tying shoelaces, making the next payroll, and learning how to build websites on the internet.
More recently (actually decades …ugh!), it’s been my habit to ramble “Off the Editor’s Spike.” I know the name’s not very catchy. Occasionally, I’ll receive a comment, complaint or compliment from a reader who can’ quite remember what this column is called. It doesn’t bother me… just as long as you good folks keep reading.
But for the record, I literally have a paper spike on my desk where I keep story ideas and other tidbits on paper (that’s about my speed… still relying on paper in a digital world; and, yes, I’m still crazy after all these years).
What I’m about to share was published “Off the Editor’s Spike” nearly 20 years ago. It reminds me how some things never change:
Sometimes, when it’s time to write this column, the page looks massively blank. Nothing jump starts any thought process; the coffee goes cold. These are times that try an editor’s soul …assuming, of course. What to write… what to write… what to write?!
Harold Offield of Chillicothe tried to help. He mailed a clipping from a 1931 newspaper which described how his dad who lived near Carlow, Uel Offield, walked 9-1/2 miles to school when a snow was at its worst. Funny, the generation which never thought anything of walking 10 miles a day (even in the snow) now have grandchildren who never think of it either.
What to write… what to write…
Other visits this past week brought details about our nation’s involvement in the United Nations, the legality of lease-purchase, and the latest on Vietnam documentation — all intended to spark deep contemplations. But these seem so overwhelming to a country editor of limited capacities, especially one as blank as me. Such challenges are beyond me. How depressing! It’s not only “what” but how to write… how to write… how to write…?
Well, as a better sage than I once wrote, “Let’s see what several years in the word game have learnt me:”
— Avoid alliteration. Always.
— Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
— Avoid cliches like the plague (they’re old hat).
— Employ the vernacular
— Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
— Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
— It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
— Contractions aren’t necessary.
— Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
— One should never generalize.
— Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
— Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
— Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
— Profanity sucks.
— Be more or less specific.
— Understatement is always best.
— Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
— One-word sentences? Eliminate.
— Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
— The passive voice is to be avoided.
— Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
— Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Hey, now I’m ready, ready to write about whatever you want! The coffee’s reheated and my juices are flowing. Just give me a topic, any topic. I’ve got the paper and the press to print it on. Just give me an idea.
Who needs rhetorical questions?