Google, Google everywhere

The funeral last Saturday coincided with a previously planned family reunion. Once past the luncheon shared at the church, the visiting relocated into a home and continued until we were hungry again.

We quickly agreed to call in a delivery order, but on whose lead? There were no children or grandchildren around to dictate the menu. Plans for supper began to stall.

In our family, you never want to be behind the wheel driving without the destination in mind whenever mealtime rolls around. Indecision can make a driver insanely frustrated. Nowadays, it seems, you can get a taste of the same frustrations without even being in a car.

Saturday’s setting was a college town, so there were plenty of restaurants to choose from. My siblings and their spouses volleyed choices back and forth, from Chinese to Mexican. We even debated a “Freezer Sale” underway at a local grocer with my sister recommending some sort of rice dish at the unbelievable price of just $1.

Out whipped a cell phone. While indecisions festered, my wife calmly called up the app for one of the first restaurants mentioned. Soon we were all focused on the options of that particular menu and a click or two later, our problem was solved. At least for the moment.

In today’s world, however, Google knows everything. I previously mentioned in this space how Google flagged us as we drove to Sunday worship without us having to do anything.

That happened again this past Sunday! Evidently, all you have to do is create a predictable habit and Google’s got your number.

So, I’m beginning to worry.

During the normal work week, when in need of a quick sandwich I usually just order cold tuna with American cheese. But, what if I want to call in an order of beef on rye?

Me: Is this the right number to order a sandwich?

Google: Yes.

Me: But, you don’t sound like the gals I know behind the counter.

Google: No, sir. Google now controls everything.

Me: OK. I would like to order a sandwich.

Google: Do you want your usual, sir?

Me: My usual? Do you know me?

Google: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 20 times you called you ordered  cold tuna on Italian herb & cheese bread with American cheese slices, spinach, extra onions, tomatoes (with no salt), a few green pepper strips, two or three banana peppers and plenty of sweet onion sauce.

Me: You do know me. That’s what I want.

Google: May I suggest flatbread instead?

Me: What?

Google: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

Me: That’s none of your business.

Google: It’s not a problem, sir. We cross-reference your phone number with your medical records. We have the results of your cholesterol and blood pressure counts since you started taking particular notice as of April 2, 2016.

Me: I know, I know. I should lay off the breads. I’m already taking medication for my blood pressure as well as for cholesterol.

Google: Excuse me, sir. You probably haven’t taken your medication today. You can only purchase 30 tablets at a time by your prescription and this is Day 63 from your last date of purchase.

Me: I don’t always buy from the same drug store, you know.

Google: That may be true, but Google Maps confirms the location of only one drug store where you live and your credit card statement does not indicate any other drug store transactions anywhere else, not even online.

Me: What if I paid in cash?

Google: But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your last bank statement.

Me: I can’t believe it. You think you know everything!

Google: Not yet, sir. Just wait until Bitcoin becomes the daily currency.

Me: Oh, yeah? Then I’ll develop multiple sources of cash.

Google: Just make sure it all shows on your tax return… or admit you’re buying things using an undeclared income source which, of course, is against the law.

Me: I JUST WANTED TO BUY A SANDWICH!

Google: Of course, sir. We only acquire this information with the sole intention of helping you.

ME: Forget it. I’ll just drive out and get a pizza.

Google: I understand, sir, but you need to renew your vehicle license. It expired two weeks ago…