THE ABUSER: Pressures him/her severely.
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YOU SHOULD: Be Patient. Remember it takes time for the abused individual to sort out confusion and figure out how to handle their situation.
THE ABUSER: Talks down to him/her.
YOU SHOULD: Address him/her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension in your voice. Your actions speak louder than words.
THE ABUSER: Thinks he/she knows what is good for her better than she does.
YOU SHOULD: Treat them as an expert on their own life. Don’t assume you know that they need to do. Ask them what they think might work, without pressuring them, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tell them what to do.
THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations.
YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be to convince him/her that ‘he/she is a jerk’, but talking too much communicates to them that your thoughts are more important than theirs, which is exactly how their abuser treats them. If you want them to value their own feelings and opinions, then you have to show them that you value them.
THE ABUSER: Believes he/she has the right to control their life.
YOU SHOULD: Respect their right to self-determination. She/He is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would chose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him. You can’t convince a person that their life belongs to them if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Support him/her even when she makes choices that you don’t like.
THE ABUSER: Assumes he/she understand his/her children and their needs better than he/she does.
YOU SHOULD: Assume that he/she is competent, caring parent.
THE ABUSER: Thinks for him/her.
YOU SHOULD: Think with him/her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.
(Monthly information from your local domestic/sexual violence center–Green Hills Women’s Shelter)
Cameron: (816) 632-4900, Trenton: (660) 359-3297, OR 24hr Hotline: (800) 942-0649
GHWS Provides Residential & Non-Residential Services to Survivors of Domestic & Sexual Violence: Men, Women, & their children.