by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetings from Poosey.
While many parents complain about how technology has taken over the minds of their children, once in a great while the nerds of the digital age will come out with something that actually helps Mom and Dad. Honda recently announced production of a new mini-van with a backseat spy cam. When a commotion arises in the rear of the van a parent can flip a switch and get a real-life picture of what the heck is going on. While they were at it the Honda-ites have installed a PA system that will blast Daddy’s voice into the backseat, overriding any onboard videos or headphones. The children of the world have yet to weigh in on their opinion of this, but it’s got to be a boon to any parent who’s hauled children long distances.
But as often happens the carmaker stopped short of their true potential. The automotive news article made me think back to the long trips our family would take across country in search of a motel with air conditioning on the way to Wisconsin Dells or the Grand Canyon. I wondered what devices my parents would have installed in their cars if the technology had been available.
I’m sure that my father would have gladly shelled out a few extra bucks for the “Whiner Whacker.” I’m pretty confident that Buick didn’t offer such an option, but if they had it would resemble a slightly padded artificial hand located above the heads of his boys in the backseat. The Whiner Whacker could have easily been tripped by a little pedal just adjacent to the clutch. When little Johnny is warned for the third time to stay on his side of the seat from brother Bubba who didn’t want to be bothered then Dad would just tap his foot on the lever and …Whack! Of course this is a device that would have been warmly welcomed in 1955 and would cause a multitude of lawsuits in 2017. ‘Tis a pity.
But at least Dad would have been okayed to install the “How Much Longer Digital Display” that kept a running tally of the miles remaining to the family’s nightly destination. And since miles mean absolutely nothing if you’re eight years old, the device could also include a built in clock. Stop asking me how much longer! Just look at the clock! And if that doesn’t work Dad just taps his Whacker.
My mother was an absolute acrobat when it came time to serve refreshments to the rear passengers. She could hold a quart of milk over a glass on a bumpy Missouri back road and while holding a package of Oreos between her knees and passing the glasses to her hungry crowd in the rear. But for the times when our Buick’s springs and shocks couldn’t keep up with cattle crossings and potholes we ended up with a sort of Oreo soup. So how hard would it be to simply install a small vending machine in the rear compartment of the new Hondas? For those mamas afraid of spills I’m sure they could come up with a few little drop-down hoses. And perhaps there could be an onboard announcement, “If the hoses drop down put your on first then attach the hose to the hungriest child.”
Our long stretches of interstate highways have deprived us of anything resembling interesting scenery and I can’t blame any little one who might become bored out of his skull by watching mile after mile of green directional signs and exit ramps. You can always buy little Freddy a video game but if you want to stimulate his mind in a more educational manner you might want to have Honda hardwire his brain into an online version of the Encyclopedia Britannica or “Rare Birds of Northern Idaho.”
A day-long car ride can jangle the nerves of any mother and the simple act of answering eight hours’ worth of questions can get any vacation off to a rugged start. That’s why I’d advise Honda and its competitors to install a voice-activated device in each rear seat. It’ll be simple to design. Every time a question is heard in the rear of the car a booming voice would simply shout, “No!”
And of course the most frequent cause of trip interruptions is little Herbert who swears he doesn’t have to go until you get onto the interstate then claims that something magical and mysterious just happened to his digestive system and if Dad doesn’t stop the car right now then the little rascal won’t be responsible for what’s about to happen. No matter what Honda comes up with to solve Herbert’s problem, I know that I don’t want it in the back seat of my car.
You ever ’round Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.