Poosey Digest: The Monkey House is open

Greetings from Poosey.

I recall a long ago trip to the St. Louis Zoo with a group of schoolchildren. The Missouri attraction is one of the gems of the Midwest. Even in this age of kids glued to their cell phones there’s something about the attraction of a live animal that can still lift their noses out of the digital glare and entice them to peer through a cage.

The Monkey House has always been one of my favorite stops and I’d primed my little primates for a real treat. But for reasons known only to God and the ghost of Marlin Perkins, the Monkey House is closed for repair about half the time. The day we arrived it had just reopened, but the zookeepers hadn’t put up the signage. We saw the monkeys but didn’t know one ape from another without the proper labeling. This, of course, bothered my little friends not one whit. But I was disappointed.

I was reminded of the Monkey House last weekend when I made my first foray into the world of Christmas shopping. As I moved from one big box store to another I noticed that there were no cages. Perhaps there should have been. To pass the time while waiting in line to check out, I began creating my own labels for the various species I’d encountered while shopping that morning. Like…

THE LONG-ARMED BARGAIN GRABBER: Dominated by the female of the species, this animal makes an immediate claim on her territory. She’s spent the previous evening pouring over sale ads and has marked her territory carefully. While other animals can be tracked by their paw prints, the Long-Armed Bargain Grabber is easy to spot as she always leaves a littered trail of clueless shoppers in her wake. While other animals roam the retail forest lost and confused, this female knows exactly where she’s going; woe to any hapless creature who might try to grab a half-price bottle of Tide Ultra Plus touch of Downy Powder Detergent before she gets there.

THE BEFUDDLED BUBBA: Nearly always a male of any species, this creature is totally out of his tree when faced with the prospect of Christmas shopping. While the females of most genus hurry around the stores with a purpose, the Befuddled Bubba is most often seen standing in the middle of a shopping aisle trying to read the directional signs. He can be easily spotted by how he uses his paws, one to hold a crumpled list and the other scratching his head. The poor animal only ventures into this particular forest once a year and usually quite late in the season. He generally pays too much for every item and when he gets home nothing really fits.

THE BIDEXTROUS PROLIFIC PROCREATOR: Again, always the female of the category, she is easy to spot since she enters the Christmas shopping jungle accompanied by at least three of her young offspring. Gifted by nature with six hands, three pairs of eyes, and a nose that can detect offending aromas at a distance of two miles, this particular animal has the amazing ability to herd three children plus a cartful of purchases down a crowded shopping aisle while still spotting the lowest prices on volume items. The BPP can simultaneously shift a bundled baby from one side of the cart to another while grabbing a second child by the collar to steer him away from the candy display as she sternly reminds a third child that hotdogs cannot be chewed through the wrapper while she veers her cart to avoid the Befuddled Bubba standing in the middle of the aisle wondering where they put the ladies’ lingerie. Scientists have spent years studying her and the other members of her species in hopes discovering how long astronauts can spend drifting in space without aid from the earth.

THE DUFFUS OBSTRUCTUS: Although technically a part of this animal kingdom, she’s not especially appreciated by other members of the species. Suffering under the delusion that she’s the only animal in the jungle during this busiest of seasons, the Duffus Obstructus engages in a variety of obnoxious behaviors such as turning her shopping cart sideways in the aisle as she slowly scans the comparative price of green beans, stopping to talk to her fellow animals at the intersections, leaving her cart in line at the checkout as she goes to get something she’s forgotten, and parking her purchases in front of the deli counter so no one else can reach the fried chicken.

So beware this shopping season. The Monkey House is open.

You ever ’round Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.