Poosey Digest: Digest this gas attack

We all get terribly patriotic when it’s to our economic advantage to do so, and I’m no exception.  I never thought about it being my partisan duty to save on gasoline until the price reached the four-buck mark, but now I’m suddenly hit with a slap of Americanism.

I quickly researched every possible way of saving on my fuel costs and found the list depressing:

“The optimum speed for fuel efficiency is 55! Do not break the speed limit!” This of course totally disregards the fact that a 55 mph driver in my part of the country will quickly become a pile of metallic road kill.

“Avoid idling.” This pithy bit of advice literally becomes a pain in the rear to the motorists stopped at the light ahead of you. Simply saying, “Sorry for running over your bumper but I’ve decided to stop idling,” just won’t cut it in most courts of law.

“Remove all excess weight from your vehicle.” This was one little bit of advice that I actually enjoyed. Yesterday we headed out for a day of shopping and I told Herb to get out and walk…for the sake of fuel economy and to maintain America’s lead in the industrialized world. The man is obviously a communist, for he objected strenuously. “Why don’t you get out, Freida?” “Because I have the keys. Get out, Herb. You’re hurting my fuel economy.”

“Close your windows.” This too proved to be a problem since Herb’s head was sticking out the window when we were having our argument. I told him that if he refused to get out of the car for the sake of the nation then he could just hang there ‘til we got to Wal-Mart.

“Don’t let your tachometer get over 2000.” This was no problem. My tachometer only goes from zero to eight.

“Fill your tank up in the morning when the gasoline is cooler. Afternoon gas expands.” I lived with Herb for four decades. I already know this.

“Don’t fill up at gas stations that you can see from the interstate.” The theory being that the higher-priced places are near the largest flow of traffic. This is not even an issue in our neck of the woods. You have to cross two counties to even find an interstate.

Then there was a paltry collection of minor suggestions to save you a few drops of fuel: “Don’t top off your tank in the summertime. Warm fuel will expand and run out of your tank,”  “Cheap grades of gas actually cost you more,”  “Pump the fuel slowly to keep more of the fuel in a liquid form,” and “Don’t fill up unless you’re empty. Gas weighs a lot.”

All good advice and put together they don’t amount to bucket of warm petrol in terms of real dollars. I’m tempted to start my own advice bureau listing measures to get you some real cost savings:

—If you know your neighbors are going to town, tie your husband to the top of their car and pin a shopping list to his trousers.

—Gush and gush about how much you like your cousin’s new car. Flatter him to the point where he offers to drive.

—Next time you buy a new car and the salesman starts tempting you with add-on’s like seat warmers, rear-view cameras, and satellite communications systems, ask him to throw in a syphon hose.

I’ll admit that by the time I’d done all this hard-hitting research I was stoked. I was prepared to go out and change the world. I stood up in my living room, slapped my hand over my heart, recited the Pledge of Allegiance then headed out the door to save gasoline and return America to its rightful place in world economics. That’s when I made a horrible mistake. I bent over and picked up the newspaper to read that Exxon has annual revenues of more than 400 billion dollars and last year it spent 13 million bucks lobbying Congress. Their biggest donations went to Joe Barton, a Texas Republican who holds a senior position on the House Energy and Commerce Committee, and former Republican Congresswoman Anne Northrup who serves on the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

I’m no pessimist, but I know when I’m beaten. I gunned my motor and headed to town. 

You ever ’round Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.