Poosey Digest: Bye, bye cell phones, IPods, IPads, IPoofs, IPiffles, and I-rritations

It’s an old Russian custom from the pre-Soviet days: at the end of every year the residents of many villages or derevnias would make an inventory of their houses. They’d pick out anything that they wanted to get rid of and pile it in the middle of the town square. The heap of discarded household items would remain their until New Year’s Day and if the old scarf, the broken sled or the cracked spoon was still there on January first the villagers would set a match to the whole heap. It was a good way to clean house and sort of a citywide garage sale without price tags.

The early Russians regarded the New Year as a time to make room, start afresh, and the January 1st bonfire was also a time to rejoice at the free heat the huge fire afforded.

So how about a national bonfire on New Year’s Day? Let’s haul out all the garbage we’ve accumulated in the past years and toss the stuff onto the flames. We could leave the junk in a pile for a few days, allowing any nation to come in and tote off our refuse before we light the match.

You want to start or shall I go first?

Okay, here’s my first contribution to the national bonfire: All talk radio, both liberal and conservative, along with the screaming-for-attention hosts. I’d toss the right and left wing TV chat shows right on top of the radio mouths. Yes, there’d be some angst among the listeners who’d be forced to digest the events of the day themselves instead of someone else’s slanted regurgitation of the news. To those who miss their daily shepherds telling them what to believe, I’d suggest a New Year’s resolution: Think for yourself.

You want to toss something? While you’re thinking, I’ll chuck another load onto the fire: The U.S. Congress. Sure, I know that some of these yahoos will be burning soon enough on their own. Let’s just call it pre-heating. In case it would take too long to toss them all into the flames, I’ll tell them that there’s PAC money hidden at the bottom of the bonfire and that the event will be televised. Maybe they’ll crawl in on their own.

(And I know it’s only a dream, but wouldn’t it be sweet if China salvaged Congress from the fire before they poofed into flames? Happy New Year, comrades!)

A few more quick suggestions for the New Year’s bonfire:

…that stuff way in the back of the bottom row of your refrigerator.

…those old grouches in your life who bring down your mood simply by being around them. If you happen to be married to your most prominent complainer you might want to just settle for a slight braising.

…all your old underwear. Start the new year with something fresh rubbing against those parts of you that are nearest and dearest. If you’re the type who just can’t part with old drawers, think of it as your duty to help the economy.

…guys in old pickup trucks with out-of-state license plates who have just enough tar on their truck to give you a great deal re-asphalting your driveway.

…third-class mail.

…North Korea.

…cranberries.

And although I’ll be in for the struggle of my life, I’d suggest throwing in all the cell phones, IPods, IPads, IPoofs, IPiffles, and I-rritations …anything that keeps a person from looking at me while we’re talking. To quote Clark Gable at the end of Gone With the Wind, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn if you’ve got an app for that.”

In Russian it’s “C HoBbim Roaom!” In Poosey, “Happy New Year and Good Riddance to the Baggage of 2011!”

Oh, it’d be grand fire! And perhaps as each of our little villages stood around the blazing New Year’s flame watching the things we don’t need go up in smoke, we would look into each other’s eyes and see the things that truly are essential.

Happy New Year from Poosey! You ever in town, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.