Cut to the Chase: Behind closed refrigerator doors

I read an article on a popular medical internet site recently listing what the author considered the 10 Worst Foods in Your Fridge. It quickly became obvious to me the author has not seen inside my refrigerator. I have every one of the 10 in my fridge, but they are nowhere near the worst.

The author included such items as mayonnaise, claiming it is white and goopy. I took that as a personal insult since I too am white and goopy. She recommends we use mustard in place of mayonnaise, but have you ever tried mustard on your bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich?

Another item on the author’s hit list is alcoholic beverages, claiming beer has empty calories and kills brain cells. I certainly have no brain cells to spare, but if she looked inside my fridge, she would probably agree with me the beer is among the best things in my icebox.

The author also includes hot dogs and sausage among the wurst – I mean worst foods in the refrigerator. She suggests we substitute grilled vegetables like eggplant instead of eating hot dogs and sausage. Imagine, a hot dog bun filled with grilled eggplant and topped with mustard and pickle relish.

Making up the rest of her 10 worst foods and (suggested replacements) are: soda (water); gourmet ice cream (plain yogurt with fresh fruit); processed lunch meats (home roasted sliced turkey); whole-milk products (skim); creamy salad dressing (vinaigrette); frozen French fries (roasted red potatoes); and stick butter or margarine (canola oil).

So what are the worst foods in my refrigerator? Where do I begin? On the middle shelf is a large pizza box with one slice of – well, I really am not sure. It resembles the pie shape of a slice of pizza, but that is where the similarity ends. I also have leftover Chinese food, but I’m afraid to open the container since the restaurant it came from went out of business two years ago.

I have an old container of blue cheese crumbles that are now green cheese crumbles – does moldy cheese go bad if it gets moldier? I have a gallon of cottage cheese – at least the old gallon of milk now resembles cottage cheese. In the fruit and vegetable drawer I have a collapsed cantaloupe, wrinkled radishes and mushy mushrooms.

The meat drawer contains – hey, who put the open can of sardines in here? Well at least the sardines are in mustard sauce scoring at least one point for me. For most, the inside of our refrigerator is as personal as the inside of our bathroom medicine cabinet. Neither should be looked in by company.

(Denny Banister, of Jefferson City, is the assistant director of public affairs for the Missouri Farm Bureau, the state’s largest farm organization.)