Greetings from Poosey.
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There’s no shortage of economic advice and some of it is just plain bad. One of the most common tips for balancing a household budget in lean times is, “Eat more meals at home.” I disagree.
According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis, the typical American household spends $161 a month on restaurant meals and another $137 on recreation including cable TV, movie, and sporting events. Herb and I have come to the happy conclusion that you can combine eating out with entertainment if you carefully choose really bad restaurants.
I’m not kidding. We’ll drive several miles out of our way to eat at a terrible restaurant because of the entertainment value.
We have a really pitiful little joint in our area with a big red chicken as its logo. Every stop at this greasy brisket is an adventure in horrible dining. The waiter… . the only waiter….is a friendly redheaded kid who’s as likable as any server I’ve ever met as well as the most incompetent. Rate your waiters 1-10 and this kid will peg out at a minus four. He’ll smile and say hello every time he passes your table, but only when you physically grab and stop him will it occur to him that perhaps you might like to be served. He’s as delightful a nincompoop as I’ve ever met. Herb and I often take other couples to this hopelessly bungling eatery just for the sheer joy of watching such depraved service in action. We always make a deal with the other couple: whoever gets what they ordered has to pick up the tab.
The last time we visited the salad bar consisted of slaw, macaroni salad, and a stainless steel bowl which might have held lettuce earlier in the day. You have two choices of dressing: Ranch, and Ranch crusted over. Anything fried can also be used as a weapon in case a fight breaks out. I have ordered hush puppies that required soaking before eating. The catfish come in their own protective armor of steely batter and the chicken legs are so solidly fried that you could take them home and use them as table decorations until Christmas. This place is just a delight.
The highlight of the night is when the redheaded kid realizes that you’ve been standing at the cash register for 10 minutes and chirps up, “Was everything alright?” You simply laugh and say, “Great! We’ll be back!” And we will. We just saved the cost of a movie.
I usually avoid fast food since it’s so drearily the same everywhere you go. The McSodium Burger in Portugal will be pretty much like its Peoria cousin, but sometimes the need to get on down the road forces me into the drive-up lane for factory food. However, if you’re really lucky, there’s just enough incompetence in the speed shop places to fulfill your entertainment requirements.
I recently stopped at a popular sandwich chain named after underground transportation and drove up to the order window. I knew it was going to be an experience when the girl in the tin speaker said, “I’ll be with you in a few minutes.” She wasn’t kidding. It really was a few minutes. I placed my order and her disembodied voice said, “Please drive up to the window.”
There was no pickup window. I am not making this up. I drove around the place three times looking for the window where they were hiding my sandwich. The only possible suspect was a narrow slit of glass with bread crates stacked against the pane. I thought I’d finally lost it and was wondering which nursing home to enter as the customers in the restaurant watched me drive around and around the place. Flummoxed, I gave up and went inside. The gal behind the counter said, “You the one at the drive-up?” I told her that would be me. I asked, “Where in the heck was the drive-up?” She looked at me and said, “Sorry ‘bout that.”
No, I have no explanation for what I just wrote. Did she forget the place had no window? Do people pull up all day long then drive on back to the highway hungry? Was this all a joke? Has she been taking orders all day, forgetting that there’s no place to serve the food? Who needs to pay good money to visit a haunted house this Halloween as long as there’s an eerie sandwich shop just down the street, ready to spook you for cash?
If your wallet is beginning to pinch you in all the wrong spots, eat out more often, and if the restaurant is really bad you can skip the comedy down at the Bijou.
You ever ‘round Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.