Poosey Digest: Letting the cat out of the bag

I have a complaint against the U.S. Postal Service. Somebody’s been stealing our mail. There’s no other explanation.

Let me explain that Herb is a Master Mason, a Knights Templar, and a Shriner. They’re supposed to be secret organizations but since I read and open all his mail, I pretty much know what these fellas are up to. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that someone is pilfering our mail. A large chunk of the world thinks this secret organization is secretly running the entire universe but no one’s bothered to tell Herb.

And for once, I won’t blame his memory. Herb is a faithful attender of every lodge meeting, he pays attention, and often recounts the meeting to me when he gets home. I can tell you which part of the lodge’s ceiling leaks, how much it costs to heat the local Masonic digs, and what they had for refreshments last November, but never once has he mentioned anything about world dominance. Believe me, if Herb was planning to wreck the world’s economy, stamp out all foreign religions, and take control of every government on the planet, he’d have mentioned it. And if he didn’t come right out and say it, he mumbles in his sleep. I know the man.

The conspiracy theories stretch all the way back to prominent members at the time of our nation’s birth – George Washington, Ben Franklin, and 13 of the 39 signers of the Constitution. Many conspiracy theorists have said that the Great Seal of the United States contains Masonic symbols although we pretty much know this wasn’t realized by the Masons at the time. By 1822, one in 20 young American males were Masons. That would of course have been the time to take over the world, but I guess they were waiting for Herb to join. It’s no secret that over a dozen U.S. Presidents have been Masons so we know that the craft doesn’t always do a great job of choosing leadership. Ben Franklin nearly ruined everything when he said, “The ‘grand secret’ of Freemasonry is that they have no secret at all.”

Dan Brown’s recent novels probably ignited the current curiosity about Herb and his lodge brethren smashing the current world order. Of course the Masons haven’t had it easy. A 19th-century Pope deemed them to be “The Synagogue of Satan,” and Hitler ranted and raved against his German Masons. Mozart, a Mason, filled his opera, The Magic Flute, full of Masonic symbols and fellow Mason Rudyard Kipling often alluded to their rituals in his writing. I’m not sure a group so poor at keeping secrets could dominate the world.

Most recently a handful of Islamic writers have claimed that the Masons are at war with their faith. They too label Herb and his lodge buddies as Satanic, so last night I asked him, “Herb, what do you have against Islam?”

“Who?”

“Islam!”

“I never heard of him. Is he new in town?”

Herb will not be elected Vice-President-In-Charge-Of-Masonic-Domination any time soon.

Other writers have accused the Masonic fraternity of trying to ruin the youth of our nation, so I did some digging. The Shrine supports 19 orthopedic units and three burns institutes across the United States, charging the children absolutely nothing for the services. Other branches of Masonry support foundations for medical research, teaching, treatment for rehabilitation services for children with learning or speech disorders, cancer, visual problems, and kids in need of dental restoration. The bill comes to about two million dollars a day. What a dastardly, conniving bunch, these Masons. And if they claim to be a secret organization then the rehabilitated lives of millions of the world’s children are letting the cat out of the bag.

But if I’m wrong and Herb’s been keeping his passion for world domination from me all this time, I’ve got to tell you that the fraternity’s plans are doomed. The Masonic lodge remains an all-male institution and if women aren’t allowed a hand in running the world then it’s doomed anyway.

You ever in Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.