Poosey Digest: You did what?

Aunt Lizzy could raise you right up off the floor. I mean it. She was slight of build and seemed well over 200 years old, but if you misbehaved she had a right hand that Albert Pujols would envy. It would come screaming at you out of left field, slap your bottom, and any child weighing less than 80 pounds could literally be lifted off the floor. She called it “Fanny slappin’” In fact, all Lizzy would have to do is say, “You want a good fanny slappin’?” and the young miscreant would straighten up – at least until he was out of Aunt Lizzy’s sight.

She had a lot in common with Mr. Jim. Mr. Jim was a well-known local school principal who (although he would never use so crass a term) was an expert in the fine art of butt chewing. If a student of today misbehaves he’s handed a detention or suspension, but Mr. Jim would never give a delinquent student the pleasure of being kicked out of school. Mr. Jim’s butt chewings were worse than anything today’s school punishment code could ever produce.

Mr. Jim purposely filled his office with things that would rattle and bang. His ancient file cabinet had doors that would shudder in the slightest breeze. His old teacher’s desk had drawers that sounded like cannon fire when slammed shut to make a point at the expense of a teenage boy’s attitude. When Mr. Jim chewed your butt you knew you had been gnawed upon.

He was also the master of the shout. Administrators today are taught to handle their problems in a calm and collected tone suitable to board meetings or funeral parlors. Mr. Jim preferred an explosion of sound “You did what?” he’d scream as he’d blast his fist into the old file cabinet. The combination of Mr. Jim’s shout and the megaton crash of the steel cabinet would dissolve even the most cocksure teen into a puddle of repentance if not outright terror.

Fanny slappin’ and butt chewin’. Like needlepoint and barrel making, two fine arts that seem to be sadly fading away from disuse.

Which brings me to the current rogue’s gallery of Democrat Anthony Weiner, the randy French diplomat Romain Serman, New York Republican Christopher Lee, President Bill Clinton and every other alpha male who’s let his libido outpace his brain in recent years. Yes, their adolescent escapades should be punished to the full extent of the law, but I’d like to see us go a step further and add a good dose of old-fashioned fanny slappin’ and butt chewin’.

The scenarios are fun even to imagine.

“You did what?” (cabinet crash)

“It… it was just a photo, sir.”

“Picture? You took a dirty picture of yourself an sent it to a girl?” (three drawers slammed shut… the representative wets himself, then stutters onward)

“I… I’m sorry…”

“Sorry? You’re an idiot! I said you’re an idiot!” (a large Funk and Wagnalls dictionary crashes against the far wall) “What in God’s name were you thinking? Are you really so stupid that you thought nobody would find out? Look at me when I’m talking to you! I said, ‘Look at me!’”

A weinerish look comes over the boy’s face. “I was just kidding.”

“Kidding!” (cabinet crash, drawer slam, chair toss) “Kidding! Is that your idea of kidding? Are you really so ignorant that you can do stupid things and think that nobody will notice? Are you really that stupid? Look at me when I’m talking to you! Can you really be that dumb?”

By now the kid is a lifeless, whimpering heap sitting in a straight chair of the principal’s office, but there’s still enough adolescent rebellion in him to whimper, “I probably won’t do it again.”

“Probably?” (Plaster begins falling from the ceiling of Mr. Jim’s office. The secretary in his outer office swallows a Valium. The potted plant on his desk keels over.) “Aunt Lizzy!” shouts the angry administrator. “Get in here! This boy needs a fanny slappin’!”

Yes, I know… the current trend is to raise children with kindness and they will become kind adults, but I’ve got to wonder if the young Weiner/Serman/Lee/Clinton’s of the world weren’t given a good dose of butt chewin’ and fanny slappin’… oh well.

You ever ’round Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.