Poosey Digest: Freida’s quick travel guide to Europe (Part II)

Last week I begin our whirlwind tour of Europe… a sort of visitor’s guide. Then someone showed me a map… the one’s I missed:

GREECE is an island that moves. It began as a part of southern Florida but when the real estate values got prohibitive the natives paddled their country to a more hospital little sea called the Mediterranean. Having once been close to Miami, Greece is very old. Greece has restaurants older than the Alps (which have never technically been a part of Greece due to immigration issues) and the natives eat cheese made from the milk of goats that have never seen the Alps. Goats don’t swim.

DENMARK, NORWAY, and SWEDEN are actually the same country, like Michigan, Minnesota, and Wisconsin are all the same state, divided only by Stuckey’s restaurants located beside road signs saying, “Welcome to Wherever!” Several expeditions have been sent out from the Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England, to discover the difference in these three nations, but all the explorers have gotten lost in a maze of fjords and Chevys.

AUSTRIA is the only nation in the world that suffers from permanent identity crisis. The national motto is “Ve are not German, dogg-gonnett!” For years Austria claimed its chief export was The Sound of Music, but when it was discovered Americans made the movie with British actors, the Austrians retreated once again into their national paranoia. Austria has nice hills, which they mistakenly call The Swiss Alps, and their streets are often cleaner than the kitchens in American fast-food restaurants.

HOLLAND is technically under water. Since most of the nation is below sea level the national bird is the sump pump. Feel free to visit this charming little country but please come at low tide.

BELGIUM is a reason for getting from Holland to Germany.

TURKEY is stretching the definition of Europe, but since the Turks favor the term “European” rather than the more cumbersome “Bunch of Land stretching across the Anatolian peninsula in the Balkan region of Southeastern Europe,” they’ve opted in to continent. Turkey’s always been a bit skittish since it’s bordered by eight countries, none of which are New Jersey. It’s always been called the crossroads of Europe and Asia, a title that has done it absolutely no good as far as anyone can tell. The country began calling itself by its fowl name in the 11th century when Byzantines attacked and found that the country was full of Turks. Using that logic you and I now live in India.

LICHTENSTEIN is the only nation in Europe with absolutely no political problems. The country’s most famous bumper sticker reads, “Lichtenstein.. Love it Or Leave It… In 15 minutes.” The entire country takes up just 61 square miles.

AUSTRALIA: Not in Europe.

ROMANIA: has the distinct advantage of having a language that’s pronounced exactly as it’s spelled… that is, with the exception of five letters that Midwesterners have never heard of. However, if you’ve ever traveled in Mississippi or North Dakota you might be used to that.

BULGARIA: lies hidden under Romania, right across the Danube. Most visitors can’t tell the difference in the two countries and in fact many Bulgarians have similar difficulty. The country’s been ruled by nearly everyone at one time or another and was the victim of an attempted annexation by Yankee manager George Steinbrenner. The country’s national anthem begins with the stirring line, “Proud Stara Planinia Mountain…” which is just a taste of the excitement yet to come.

POLAND is now in Chicago. For reasons known only to the Chicago Cubs management and the vote-counters for former mayor Richard Daily, the entire population of Poland moved to the Windy City.

THE CZECH REPUBLIC is the victim of a tragic accident in 1993 in which its “oslovakia” was cut off. To help soothe their pain the Czechs invented Pilsner Beer in the city of Pizan, and a town just south of there named Budweis lent its name to the American Budweiser Beer, thus giving birth to Stan Musial, Albert Pujoles, the St. Louis Arch, and Route 66.

You now have no excuse for not exploring Europe. Getting into the St. Louis airport will be the only rough part of the journey.

You ever ’round Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.