The Poosey Digest: Amazon loves me

Greetings from the Ridge. Sing along with me!

Amazon loves me, this I know…

For my email tells me so.

I can tell that Amazon.com truly loves me because they know me so well. If I buy a copy of Mark Twain’s Life on the Mississippi they’ll immediately send me a flood of email recommending other works by Twain. If I buy 100 plastic kazoos they’ll zero in on my buying habits, and in the time it takes me to right click my mouse my inbox will have been inundated with offers to buy slide whistles, bicycle horns, and clown noses. No greater love hath any man that this than he lay down his specialized inventory for another.

Targeted marketing. The advent of the Internet has opened an entire world of specialized advertising. No longer must stores send out broadsheets to everyone in the world to advertise its newest gizmo. By carefully noting our buying habits, they can design a specialized list of things that you simply must have. We are so very blessed.

Three years ago I clicked into the Target Stores website to buy a wedding gift for a young couple who’d listed the store on their bridal registry. I think I bought the newlyweds a set of sheets. From this single bit of information the great gods of Target Inc. deduced that I was running a chain of hotels and since that fateful first click I’ve been buried in an avalanche of offers for pillows, bathroom fixtures, designer towels, and disposable plastic cups. Target loves me, this I know.

Honda knows how often I trade cars and they send me special invitations to come spend more money whenever the due date arrives.

I bought personalized stationery over the Internet and from that single purchase I’ve been blessed with offers to personalize everything in my house from my teacups to my dog to my husband. It’s great being loved.

My alma mater has been kind enough to share my email address with anyone who might want to sell me something. The school has not only bestowed a diploma upon me but a lifetime of bargain basement, half-price, once-in-a-lifetime offers. My old school loves me, this I know.

So how come… How come if God is love… why doesn’t love specialize as much as amazon.com? Amazon doesn’t offer me everything in its warehouse, just the things the company thinks I’ll need and use. God just isn’t with the program.

That’s why I’m proposing that some enterprising young Bill Gates come up with a THB (Targeted Holy Bible.) The one we have now is so darned… well… inclusive! I mean, it just tries to cover everything, including the parts that I’d rather not mess with.

Scan the front page of any newspaper and you’ll find that faith still motivates a good chunk of our major news stories… abortion, gay rights, the placement of Islamic mosques, immigration, even international economics as the majority of goods in our homes are now assembled with hands which worship at the shrine of some heathen god. But the trouble is… if you use the bible as your guide for living, it’s so darned… well… all-encompassing. It covers everything and that’s just the problem. The blasted thing says we should show love to everybody, and in some folks’ books, that’s just getting carried away… and it’s not as much fun.

We don’t want to hear everything the bible says. If you’re carrying signs filled with intolerance toward another race or religion, you’d rather not mess with the "Love your neighbor" or "turn the other cheek" liberal balderdash of the scriptures… especially if you’re marching with your church group. You need a personalized bible.

And let’s face it, for some of us, the whole idea of the brotherhood of man is just taking things too far. When Paul said, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you all are one in Christ Jesus," he was obviously talking about a time long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Come on, Lord! If Target, Amazon, and Bath and Body Works can let me pick and choose, it’s only fair…

You ever in Poosey, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.