by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetings from the Ridge.
A warning to all Cadillac and Corvette drivers: stay home when the wind comes up. Last week when the wind played havoc with the Midwest’s hairdo, the National Weather service warned all drivers of "high profile vehicles" to beware. High profile. Would it be too much to simply say, "Tall cars slow down!"?
I should be used to confusing language. After all, I’m a citizen under the watchful eye of the U.S. government. And frankly I don’t mind a bit of bewilderment when it comes to governmental bureaucrats. That’s their job and many of them wouldn’t know the truth if it bit them in the budget. But the National Weather Service? Gimme a break, guys!
Truth be told, I rely more upon the NWS than the government. I need their services more often and the information they put out is more valuable. So why, when the weather gets rough and I have only a few seconds to listen to the forecast before jumping in my car and heading out onto the slick roads, do they give us such confusing phraseology?
Last week’s windy warning included to watch out for "light items not securely anchored to the ground." Well duh. Honey, I was outdoors on the day the big blow came through. Those winds were lifting up both light and heavy objects and the only thing that kept me anchored on my way out of the supermarket was my shopping cart and an overreaching fondness for rich desserts.
On the same day they gave this pithy bit of caution: "There is a flood warning in effect until the flood warning is canceled." I guess that makes sense but I wonder why it needs saying.
And who’s not found herself in the situation where a storm is approaching fast, you quickly turn on the local news to see whether it’s time to run to the basement, nail down the dog, or revise your will, and the smiling weather man comes on with 10 minutes of totally useless meteorological trivia, purposely ratcheting up your anxiety level awaiting the forecast? Sweetheart, when the tornado, ice storm, or meteorological Second Coming is approaching my house I could care less about last year’s average precipitation or the barometric pressure in Baja. Just gimme the facts before I die.
Maybe I’m just not curious enough about my world, but I when a hurricane or ice storm is approaching I have absolutely no interest in what caused it. I simply want to know what’s going to happen and when it’s going to get here. If I get run over by a truck on the way to the mailbox tonight I can’t imagine my dying words being, "But was it a four-wheel-drive or an extended cab?"
Last week we were under a "wind advisory." Sounds like we’re asking the north wind’s opinion on stock options. How about a simple, "The wind may blow very hard"? Too much clarity to ask for? And who’s not sat numbed through the annual explanations of "A tornado watch means that conditions are present which may make a tornado likely, and tornado warning means than a tornado has been sighted?" Is there some sort of law against simply saying, "There may be a tornado" or "Somebody saw a tornado. Take cover"?
And for God’s sake, let’s drop all mention of the wind chill factor. Many’s the night I’d have gone to start the car and felt quite comfortable had I not just heard that the local winds had taken the "real feel" down to 20 below. What I can’t hear won’t hurt me.
If I may, I’d like to propose a change in the way both the NWS and my local meteorologist announce the upcoming weather. How about something pithy and to the point. "Today is okay. Do what you want. Tomorrow? Forget it. Bad day. Bad day." End of broadcast. I’ll admit it lacks a few specifics but this sort of fast food forecast is really all I need.
One of my favorite Lincoln stories concerns the time he was in charge of a group of soldiers during the Blackhawk War. His column of men was approaching a narrow opening in a fence and in his words, "For the life of me I could not remember the command to close ranks." So he shouted, "Halt! This company will immediately break ranks and assemble on the other side of that fence!"
I wish Lincoln worked for the National Weather Service.
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door …we’ll be waiting for the forecast.