The Coonridge Digest: Welcome to Guantanamo North

Greetings from the Ridge.

It’s seldom that Coonridge can provide a solution that will benefit the entire nation, but in this case I think we’ve stumbled onto something.

The government has been in a lingering quandary as to where to house the accused terrorists now putting in their time at Guantanamo Bay prison. Last January President Obama said that the facility would be closed down within a year and so the prison’s end date is fast approaching. Trouble is, where do we put the detainees?

In the first place, what do you say we call them prisoners? "Detainees" sound like folks who are stopped at the door at Wal-Mart and asked, "Did you drop your Saran Wrap?" A prisoner is a prisoner and for obvious reasons no one wants to house a fellow who’s dreaming of ways to blow up Busch Stadium.

Every state has seen the offer to house these hoodlums when their current home shuts down and every state has refused admission. The inscription on the Statue of Liberty about "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free," runs a little thin once you start killing American citizens and blowing up our national landmarks.

This is where Coonridge comes in. Although I’ve not checked this with our city council, I want to offer the town as a temporary holding facility for the Guantanomo crew until they can be brought to trial.

I think the current number of prisoners runs somewhere around 300 which would effectively double the town’s population, but since their current cells are just six by eight feet, I’m sure we could find a spot near the new hog confinement facilities south of town. We’ll call it "deterrence aroma therapy."

The current facility at Guantanamo cost about $54 million to build, but in the spirit of true patriotism, I’m going to offer to build the Midwest Coonridge Prisoner Detainee Center for half that. We are a country-loving community and will sacrifice the other $27 million out of simple allegiance to our country.

Then there’s the price of actually operating the place, which is currently costing around $100 million a year. I have no idea how you spend a hundred million bucks on 300 alleged terrorists, but if that is the true cost then the residents of Coonridge will gladly bite the bullet and accept the money. There’s an additional cost of $12 million to build an "expeditionary legal complex" but we already have a city hall so we’ll throw that in for free. If the media crowds get too large then we’ll park the fire trucks in the street and open up the big room.

I assume that a great deal of the current prison’s cost is eaten up in salaries. Coonridge can do it better. We have a group of retired farmers who gather every morning and afternoon at the local coffee shop and I have a feeling that they’d like nothing better than to pick up a little retirement money by standing guard over the inmates. I know most of these old boys personally and aside from requiring a nap every afternoon at about 2 p.m., I think they’ll be as reliable a force of sentries as you’ll find. They already have their own guns.

We have the Bread of Love program so the meals would be no problem. If the miscreants behaved we might even shuttle them down to the senior center. Sometimes Marie Caldwell plays the piano. She could stop any Jehad in its tracks with her rendition of "Let the Lower Lights Be Burning." It’s either that or they can eat by the hog factory.

And lest the ACLU or Amnesty International be concerned about the prisoners receiving humane treatment, let me assure them that Coonridge is composed mainly of Lutherans and Methodists, two denominations which long ago removed water boarding from their official order of worship. I mean, we’re often tempted, but we yield not.

Perhaps President Obama’s most successful stimulus program to date was the renowned "Cash for Clunkers" program. My plan is simply an extension of that concept. The entire town of Coonridge could easily fall into the clunker category and this stimulus of a little extra cash would be greatly appreciated.

After all, it’s not like Coonridge has been terrorist-free all these years. We have several local lunatics that will make our new guests feel right at home.

Welcome to Guantanamo North!

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.