The Coonridge Digest: I never thought I’d say it…

Greetings from the Ridge.

I never thought I’d say it, but I am now officially "old." I’ve taken my first senior citizen bus trip.

I’d heard about these aged excursions for years and many of my friends insisted that I just hadn’t lived life to its fullest until I’d climbed aboard a charter bus and headed toward the Amana Colonies or Branson or Busch Stadium with a group of senior saints.

Why had I hesitated? I don’t know. I can drive. Herb’s good enough company as long as it’s a tolerable week for his digestion and he sleeps for most of the trip. Why did I need to get on a bus? Actually, I was just fooling myself. Truth is, these traveling troupes of artificial knees and hip replacements scared me. Going on such an adventure would…. well… label me as old (as if my drivers license picture hadn’t already done that.)

So I signed up for a test run: a one-day trip with the local PBS station scheduled to tour a few local Midwest sights. Departure: 9 a.m. Returning around five. Surely I could endure anything for a day.

Now don’t think I’m going to criticize what is a truly wonderful opportunity to see beautiful and inspiring sights while meeting a nice group of like-minded folks along the way. No, it was a pleasant day and I’m not averse to trying it again some day, but there’s one thing the tour company left off their brochure: The Rules. Nobody told me the rules of traveling on a senior citizen bus trip.

Like… You get off the bus one side at a time. When the coach arrived at our first stop I hopped up and began to toodle down the aisle. If looks could kill…

I must have missed the announcement that the left side of the bus gets off first, then at the next stop the right, then the left again. I was surely the only newbie on the bus. They all knew the rules and I was both dumb-founded and embarrassed. The lady across from me had actually figured out the pattern ahead of time and sat on the left side of the bus because she knew that lunch would be the third stop and she was determined to be among the first in the lunch line.

Which brings me to rule two: Do not, under any circumstances, get between a busload of senior citizens and their next refreshment stop. Given the choice of gazing upon the Grand Canyon, watching an Amish man make brooms, observing the Second Coming, or eating cookies, the Oreos win out every time. Our age may show as we try to maneuver the bus steps, and we may take forever following a guide through a museum, but once they lay out the goodies we can break all known land-speed records for the 50-yard macaroon dash.

Rule Three: after you have reached a certain age it is perfectly acceptable to tell the professional bus driver which way to turn, how close he is coming to the McDonald’s sign, and what’s the shortest route home. Forget the fact that he’s driven this bus for 25 years, knows the road by heart and has never hit a road sign in his life. For this one day he has 50 co-drivers.

Rule Four: The only thing faster than a senior citizen headed toward the punch bowl is an elderly matron on her way to the one toilet at the rest stop. And yes, it is perfectly permissible for the ladies on the bus to commandeer the men’s restroom as well. If you don’t like it, then you just don’t understand. Besides guys, who are you fooling? The bushes are good enough when you’re at home.

Rule Five: "The Listening Game" is a part of every bus trip. As soon as the tour guide says, "We’ll be arriving at the hotel around 5 p.m." it is okay to holler out, "When will we be getting to the hotel?" If you weren’t listening then it’s safe to assume that the rest of the bus missed the announcement as well.

Rule Six: Learn to identify these types: 1) "The Poop Head" will board the bus first, at sunrise if possible, and will complain about everything but the sun until it sets, 2) Hannah the Explorer has been everywhere, seen it all, and while you’re trying to enjoy where you are, she’ll revel in tales of where she’s been (or so she says), 3) Fred and Eleanor. Actually, I don’t know what their names might be but they’re well past retirement age, they’ll enjoy every stop on the tour no matter how tired they may be, they’ll look after each other like newlywed lovers, and they’ll simply be thankful that they’ve been given the opportunity to take one more trip together. My advice: Sit beside Fred and Eleanor and stay close all day.

The Final Verdict: Were it not for these expeditions sponsored by banks, investment clubs, and senior citizens groups, lots of us simply wouldn’t get out and go, do, experience, and enjoy these things. The simple pleasure of having someone else plan the trip and do the driving keeps us a part of the world in a way that the Travel Channel just can’t quite match. And who knows… I may try one again… once I’m old.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.