The Coonridge Digest: How does your garden grow?

Greetings from the Ridge.

Michelle Obama planted her much-publicized garden and although I admire the lady for about a hundred good reasons, the herb patch in her back yard isn’t one of them. According to official sources, although Mrs. Obama will spend some time there each week, the garden will be tended by the White House grounds staff. Come on, Michelle, that’s cheating. Anybody can plant a garden. It takes a certain amount of stimulus to actually tend the patch.

I’ve tinkered with gardens my entire life and found that the best ones are tended by friendly neighbors with too many tomatoes. And gardening, after all, follows political lines:

The Republican Gardener has the most efficient patch in town. It’s well-tended, the seeds are of the highest quality, and there’s no waste. If the family needs 20 cucumbers then that’s the maximum planted. Flowers are nice but you’ll not see any petunias taking up prime growing space in the G.O.P. patch. There’s no allowance for overflow to be distributed among the neighbors. They can grow their own garden thank you very much. And if the neighbors can’t afford the seeds, then they can just get a job like the rest of us. In fact, if a Republican needs garden help, he’ll likely hire a needy Democrat.

The Democratic garden is a bit wilder in appearance and loose in planning if indeed there’s any planning at all. The theory being that if you plant enough, surely something tasty will come up. If you find extra tomatoes or peppers left on the front seat of your car during church, chances are you’ve been visited by a Democrat gardener. Of course Democrat gardens are more expensive to grow, but they’ll kick out more radishes and carrots than their Republican neighbors. Lots of flowers in a garden tended by Democrats… after all, the appearance is half the joy.

The Libertarian Garden is easy to spot. It’ll be the patch of earth on your street that resembles the Discovery Channel’s latest survival show. Strange exotic herbs, weeds, and produce will be left to run wild. The Libertarian gardener figures it’s every-plant-for-itself and if your wild Hibernian succotash plant has the nerve to pop up between the Siberian squash and the Nicaraguan pepper, then good for it! Everything than can survive has a right to survive and may the Devil’s Bit Scabious take the hindmost. Libertarian gardeners are widely admired for their adventurous spirit and cavalier attitude, but of course you’d rather not have one living next to you.

I guess I’m a garden voyeur. I enjoy other people’s gardens more than my own. Perhaps the most amusing garden story I’ve heard and the one that’s been whispered around town for the last 20 years concerned Billy and Maxine McBride just after they were married.

The newlywed McBride’s had planted their first garden including a large number of delicate flowering plants, and as luck would have it an un-seasonal freeze was predicted within a week. Maxine panicked and started digging up the tender shoots, potting them, and bringing them into the house. (Maxine was raised a Republican and didn’t want to re-plant.)

Rumor has it that one night she was sitting in her living room when a tiny green snake slithered its way across the carpet. Apparently Maxine had inadvertently brought him in with the hibiscus. Billy was taking a shower when he heard her scream. Figuring his wife was dying or being attacked, he went running into the living room stark naked. His hysterical bride pointed to the couch where the snake was hiding. Billy hates snakes as much as anyone, but he didn’t relish the idea of sleeping that night in a house with a renegade serpent, so he carefully knelt down.. still bare… and peeked under the couch.

This is when Snoopy comes into the scene. Snoopy was a beagle given to them my Billy’s brother as a wedding gift. The dog had heard the shouting and sauntered into the living room to see his master’s shiny rear poking up above the sofa. Beagles are curious. Snoopy touched his cold nose to Billy’s bottom, Billy assumed it was the snake, and fainted dead away.

And that was Maxine’s reaction. She assumed that he’d actually had a heart attack and called the paramedics. The medical team showed up, assessed the situation, put Billy on a stretcher and were carrying him out of the room when the snake decided to reappear, frightening one of the EMT’s and causing him to loose his grip on the gurney, dropping poor Billy and breaking his leg.

The tale of Billy, Snoopy, and the snake is one of about 20 reasons why my gardening this summer will be confined to me being first in line at the Farmers’ Market. How does my garden grow? Elsewhere, Mary.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.