The Coonridge Digest: The wait is over… I’ll not only endorse, I’ll predict

Greetings from the Ridge.

I’ve been worried about the millions who’ve been holding their breath, not knowing which way to vote since Freida Marie has yet to give her endorsement to a presidential candidate.

The wait is over. I’ll not only endorse, I’ll predict.

Let me begin by stating unequivocally that the next first lady will be a real knock-out. A wow. Whether it’s Michelle or Cindy, be assured that the cameras at the inaugural ball won’t be trained on John or Barack with the prospect of two such gorgeous first ladies on the dance floor. People magazine and the celebrity cable news channels will be drooling all over our living room carpets with shots of the new first babe.

Prediction number two is that on Jan. 20 the new president will stand on the steps in Washington and give an inaugural speech that will promise us change of gargantuan proportions and on Jan. 21 he’ll be faced with a Congress whose main motivation is getting reelected. No grand schemes or plans will override their desire to keep their office space. The result – compromise. Everyone speaks of reaching across the aisle. No one speaks of anyone reaching back.

I predict that the next president will be hailed by the loser of the race as one of the best men to ever run for the office. A collective Alzheimer’s will hang like a fog over the concession speeches. Of course fog blows away quickly.

I predict that the new president will begin to withdraw troops from Iraq, present a new healthcare plan, and bring a new dog into the White House, all of which will receive equal coverage in the press.

There’s no doubt that my prediction for the next president will be a man who will shuffle everything but the economy to the back burner within days of his inauguration, promising to fulfill the other promises once the money situation begins to look more promising.

Our next president, take my word for it, will begin his term by holding frequent press conferences declaring a new openness in government. By the end of this first year the question and answer sessions will take on a festive Christmas atmosphere being held about once a year.

And I predict that our new president will be a man with a remarkable life history, a story filled with struggle, over-coming adversity, but an ambition that has pulled him through even the toughest times.

Although he will be an honorable man at heart he will regret some of the things said and done by his campaign committee.

Our new president will be the one who in his first week of office will claim to have received a mandate from the American people even though just about half of the eligible voters voted and only about half of them voted for him. Subtract from that the folks who were actually voting against his opponent and the mandate claim starts to sag a bit in the middle.

I’m just guessing on this one, but I’d venture that the next president will most likely remove the paintings of Texas landscapes, the cowboy statuary, and if possible the boot prints.

I further predict that the man elected on Nov. 4 will bring with him a vice president touted as being a co-partner in all decision making, a close confidant, and his most trusted advisor. And within a year 47% of all Americans polled will have trouble recalling the vice president’s name.

It may sound like I’m cynical, but you’ve got to understand my Uncle Elmer’s mule. Elmer was into horse racing and he knew that a good mule could outrace a good horse. The only trouble is that while horses are adept at running around racetracks, mules prefer a straight line. It’s hard to turn a mule. Elmer took his prize mule named Sweetheart to the county fair and entered her in the Tuesday race. The pack took off and all the horses on the track saw was Sweetheart’s tail end, beating the field around turn one and down the back stretch. But by the time Elmer and Sweetheart reached the far turn, the mule had such a head of steam that no amount of bridle-tugging was going to turn her. She shot right through the fence. Our new president will have made a great deal of noise about the word "change" this season, but the fact is, he’s still stuck with the Washington system and most of the Washington Congress.

I read where waking up one morning as president of the United States was like trying to drink from a fire hydrant. Try as you might, it’s coming at you too fast and furiously to catch anything but a gulp. My choice for president is the one who can turn the mule. My prediction is that it will remain a mule no matter the amount of tugging.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.