The Coonridge Digest: We, the pigs, are outraged!

Greetings from the Ridge.

From the S.O.W. (Swine Outrage Watchdogs)

Being the only pro-pig lobby in the nation and constantly on the outlook for purposefully sarcastic swipes at swine, we officially lodge a protest against both political parties for their outrageous outrages of recent weeks.

In the past months, Senator Barack Obama, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, and Vice President Richard Cheney have each slandered the noble swine by referring to a pig with lipstick as something ignoble and horrid.

Both political parties have claimed to be outraged, but who, my friends, is sticking up for the swine? It is WE — the pigs of the earth who should be outraged!

In the first place, only humans are outrageous enough to stick a waxy substance on their lips — composed of oils, fats, lanolin, and petroleum to concoct a base, then add silicon for sealer, titanium oxide for brightness, cetyl alcohol to prevent drying, and insects called coccids to make the crimson dye. There’s not a self-respecting pig in pigdom that would smear such a noxious cocktail of bugs and toxins on her lips. We would be outraged!

The McCain campaign called Senator Obama’s pig and lipstick remarks "offensive and disgraceful." The Obama campaign then shot back with counter-outrage that the McCain camp would be outraged. Again we ask — Who is outraged more than the pig himself!

This gentle and useful creature featured in everything from classic art to the book of Proverbs was domesticated by man before recorded time and we have done nothing but serve man ever since. Do pigs tip over your garbage cans or tinkle on your carpet? No! But do you hear anyone say, "That would be like putting lipstick on a dog?" We are outraged!

It goes without saying that pigs have feelings. Perhaps you’ve pulled up to a stoplight behind a truckload of pigs en route to the slaughter house. Have you heard the squealing? Do they sound like they’re going to a party? No! Those pigs know exactly where they’re headed! We don’t know what sort of sound Sarah Palin’s moose made as she was slaughtering him, but we know that it could not possibly match the plaintive shrieks of a young barrow or gilt on their way to wiener-dom. We are outraged!

Imagine the insult that would be added to our impending injury if the truck driver happened to be listening to an all-night talk radio program and the poor doomed boars heard on their last mile that someone was smearing lipstick all over their good name!

Have you ever seen a pig that produced purposely misleading TV ads against his opponent? Have you ever in your life heard a pig lie? Can you name a politician who’s sacrificed his eyes and heart to medical science or provide skin grafts for burn victims? If the Chinese give birth to a child in the Year of the Pig they regard this as a guarantee of happiness for the child. Who would dare smear lipstick on the lips of her child’s patron pig?

We have been verbally abused over the centuries because of our penchant for laying around it the mud. And who, may we dutifully ask, consigns us to that sty? Do we ask for it? We will remind you that a pig has no sweat glands and must keep cool, but when was the last time you asked a member of our species to come into your living room? We swine would like nothing better than to lounge on your sofa in front of an air conditioner or spend the day in a temperature-controlled office building. But do you ever ask us in? No! You degrade us for our humble attempt to stay cool and alive. We are outraged!

In fact, we ask no more than to simply serve you. The typical female hog is a literal piggy factory turning out multiple liters each year, and the list of hog produced materials are endless, providing you with everything from the finest pork chops to the best scrub brush bristles. And this is in addition to our noses so sensitive that we can sniff up buried truffles fetching our owners up to $800 a pound.

For all this we are thanked by using our unpainted lips for political smears! We are outraged!

A cat demands to be served, a dog is costly and provides absolutely no income in return, a parakeet has no single purpose other than awakening you at odd hours of the night, and gecko is good for nothing better than making insurance company commercials. But the pig! The proud and noble hog is not only relegated to the mud while providing humankind with the finest in dining experiences, but his good name is dragged through it daily by innuendo and stereotyping.

The Republicans are outraged! The Democrats are outraged! The media is outraged! Listen up, America! Considering everything we’ve done for you and the thanks we get in return, we, the pigs, are outraged!

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.