The Coonridge Digest: Enjoy ‘Stay-cation’

Greetings from the Ridge.

The Stay-Cation. I like the term. Unlike the Happy Meal and Smuckers, it’s a name that actually means what it says. In this summer’s shock of mortgage-busting gasoline prices and the hassle of travel, some folks are choosing to forgo the faraway destinations and take a break closer to home.

The American Automobile Association said that the average North American vacation will cost $244 per day for two people, lodging, and meals. The highest tab will be found in Honolulu where room and chow for two grownups will average $673 a day. Throw in some kids and airfare and your 10-day vacation could top $10,000. Like you needed another reason to reach for the air sickness bag.

I’ve explored the stay-cation philosophy in hopes that maybe Herb and I might save a few bucks this summer. All the literature on the subject advises you to lock your doors and avoid company, rent a bushel of movies, buy some games for couples, read the book you’ve always been meaning to devour, and dine out occasionally. Aside from the fact that this rousing cycle of inactivity holds all the excitement of watching oysters mate, I’ve found a few other disadvantages. Namely …

Where do you buy postcards of a stay-cation? The local convenience store? And even if someone actually printed a postcard of lovely downtown Coonridge at dark, who’d want to buy a picture of two pickups and a John Deere lawn mower in front of the tavern?

And then there’s the little matter of vacation photos. Most red-blooded Americans and the entire population of Japan know that a real vacation is an exercise in the art of "shoot and capture." You really haven’t been to the Eifel Tower unless you have pictures from the bottom up, top down, and of the six dollar ice cream cone stolen by a pigeon at the foot of the north leg. Pictures somehow confirm the fact that yes, you really did go.

Which leads me naturally to the number one reason for travel — boring your friends about your excursion when you get home. Seasoned travel-bores know how to design a slide show or PowerPoint presentation to thoroughly numb all houseguests with a detailed travelogue of their vacation to Inner Afpakistan. But a stay-cation?

"This is Herb sitting on the couch on the first day of our stay-cation. Note the TV Guide in his left hand and the coffee stains in the stubble of his beard."

"Here we are playing two-handed solitaire at the kitchen table. Please note the clock and how slowly it’s moving."

"Here’s Herb on our side-trip to the bean field north of town."

"This is me with during my sixteenth attempt to read Ulysses. Note the slightly opened mouth and the drooling. I woke at 3 p.m. and picked up People magazine. It was a wearing day."

And what about souvenirs? "My grandma went to the gas station and all I got was this lousy T-shirt," just doesn’t cut it as a vacation gift.

In fact, the only thing to buy within two miles of my house is bread, milk, and large quantities of beer. I’ve been to several scrapbooking workshops and have yet to find a way to properly display and mount a Wonder Bread wrapper or an empty can of Budweiser.

What will I do with my old underwear on a stay-cation? One of the little-known joys of travel is taking your oldest underwear and instead of toting it home, leaving it in the various hotels along your route. This not only wholly rids your drawers of holey drawers, but it gives a real thrill to an entire string of hotel maids across southern France.

And perhaps the most irritating thing of all about the stay-cation is that you completely rob yourself of the joy of coming home. How in the heck can you miss a place you’ve never left? What about the Norman-Rockwell-ish scene of old Rover meeting you at the front gate with a welcome licking, then leisurely perusing the last two weeks’ newspapers while you notice that you can stop tending the garden since all your flowers have died?

And let’s not forget the fact that when you’re on vacation there’s the distinct possibility that no one will miss you. When you stay-cation it’s a sure thing.

Herb and I carefully planned this stay-cation, considered the pros, cons, maybes and wannas, then sold the car and booked a flight to Ireland. A stay-cation may be the life for some folks, but I swear it’d be the death of me.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.