Family Daze: My new spring cleaning strategy explained

It’s Spring. I know this not because baby birds are chirping, swimsuits are in the department stores, and wearing snow boots in public now looks ridiculous, but because suddenly I see my house through new eyes. And not just any eyes, mind you, I’m talking about super charged, home improving, radar eyes.

I don’t know why this happens. Maybe it’s because of all the extra lighting from the longer days. But every spring, a house that seemed fine, even cozy, all winter suddenly becomes dirty and rundown – a mere hovel.

I’m never sure what to do. I remember a few years ago, I delivered this news to my husband by approaching him in my usual subtle manner and looking at him right in the eyes.

"This house is driving me crazy!" I cried. "The windows need to be washed, the carpet in the downstairs hallway has to be replaced, the curtains in the family room are dingy, and the walls need to be painted."

"OK." He said, simply, then went back to reading the paper.

I could already see which way this was going. So I did the only thing a desperate woman under the influence of spring would do: get advice from someone who has a cleaner house than me.

"You need a PLAN," my friend Julie said. "Just buy all of the supplies for, say, painting, then do it all yourself."

"What kind of a plan is THAT?" I said, "If I wanted that kind of advice I would’ve asked my husband."

"Oh, relax. When he sees what a terrible job you’re doing, he’ll suddenly stand up, toss his paper aside, and end up finishing the entire project all by himself," she said. "Trust me, he won’t be able to control himself. I’ve actually seen this happen."

So, tricky me, I went off to the hardware store. And, I have to stop right here and tell you now; I am a big fan of hardware stores. Oh, not that I hang out in them often. But everyone knows that one of the big perks of being in a hardware store is that there aren’t any dressing rooms or full-length mirrors. In fact, among all of the rows of gloves, smocks, and tool bibs there is a refreshing one-size-fits-all-joie-de-vive kind of atmosphere that you just can’t find in any other kind of retail store.

But I digress.

Once in the store, I immediately approached the helpful looking clerk behind the counter.

"I need twelve gallons of white interior paint," I said.

"Sure," He said, then fanned out a set of approximately a bazillion color cards on a key ring. "Bluish-white, grayish-white, pinkish-white, yellowish-white or white-white?"

I ask you, when did white, a nice, sensible color that goes with everything, become so many different colors? Clearly odd forces are at work here.

"Uh, white-white, I think," I said with all of the conviction I could muster.

He nodded. Then he made one of those mysterious statements people who know all about colors and sponge painting and faux finishes are always muttering.

"Do you want a satin, semi gloss or flat finish? Latex, oil-based or acrylic?"

Now, to the untrained ear, any of these options sound like they could kill you. So I stared at him with the kind of stunned look usually reserved for talk shows political speeches until he finally suggested a flat finish with a slight satin sheen. Whatever that meant.

"I’ll take it!" I cried.

Of course it would be ridiculous to assume that a plan this easy would work with my family.

So it came as no big surprise when, two weeks later, I finished painting the living room by myself. And also the hallway and dining room.

But before you say I-told-you-so, I want you know I’m not bitter, and now when spring comes, I’ve come up with a better plan, one that doesn’t require any work whatsoever, and yet, everywhere I look, the house looks clean, or at least the way it looks at 2 a.m.

I wear sunglasses in the house. Believe me, if you have no other strategy to fall back on, it works.

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Debbie Farmer is a humorist and a mother of two kids, holding down the fort in California. She is also the author of Don’t Put Lipstick on the Cat and can be reached at www.familydaze.com, or by writing [email protected].