The Coonridge Digest: You name it!

Greetings from the Ridge.

Abraham Lincoln was Jewish. Maybe even a rabbi. Remember: you heard it here first. He infiltrated the U.S. government with his pro-Israel bias and was soon followed by fellow Hebrews, Presidents Garfield and Eisenhower.

You think I’m crazy? Tut-Tut. Just hold your tongue, you liberal-leaning, bleeding heart pinko apologist. Look at their names!

ABRAHAM Lincoln! Have you ever heard a more pro-Israeli name in your life? Well, in fact you have – it’s James ABRAM Garfield bearing an even more ancient and obviously secret tie to Israel. And then of course Eisenhower was obvious: Dwight DAVID Eisenhower! See? It’s all starting to fit, isn’t it?

According to certain political commentators on the rabid right, it’s all in the name. Barack Hussein Obama. Or, if you listen to the whackos on their talk shows, the proper pronunciation has a scream on the third and fourth syllables. Barack HOOOOSSANE! Obama.

Lincoln had the good fortune to pass into the earth of a Springfield cemetery before the Internet was invented. He was spared hearing some confederate Lush Rimbaw scream out, "Did you see what our dear President AAABRA-HAMM! did today? He went and freed some slaves! Reckon he was watching Exodus last night and just got riled up? And why did Harry Truman just make up the middle name of "S"? What was he hiding? Did perhaps the letter actually stand for something that he wanted to conceal from the American public? Perhaps "Sympathizer?" "Saudi?" or even "Satan?" I’m telling you, there’s much truth to be found in a name and we shouldn’t just ignore the hidden meanings that our mothers built into us at birth.

It’s a wonder we were victorious in World War II. Have you ever heard a more Italian-sounding middle name than Franklin DELANO Roosevelt? If Mussolini hadn’t come up all thumbs as a result of the Nazi occupation, it’s a sure bet that we’d be eating our American hotdogs with Alfredo sauce and that the Presidential limousine would today be made by Alfa Romeo.

And maybe it was just coincidence, but under whose administration did we begin cozy-ing up to the French? What American president’s wife was able to charm the ill-tempered Charles DeGaulle? None other than Jacqueline Kennedy – or more correctly, Jacqueline BOUVIER Kennedy! A Frenchy! Were not the president’s term cut so painfully short, God only knows what language we’d have printed on today’s road signs! I’m telling you, the name tells it all.

Other naming mysteries abound in our line of U.S. presidents.

President Grant’s middle name was Simpson. So why didn’t he ever use it? Was his love of good whiskey somehow genetically related to what he knew would eventually turn out a pot-bellied cartoon character married to a lady with blue hair?

George Herbert Walker Bush – the only president with four names. What was he trying to conceal? Could an abundance of names somehow make up for a lack of something else?

Then we have a whole dome-full of presidents who claim to have no middle names at all! Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Tyler, Taylor – twenty! Count ‘em! Twenty presidents who mysteriously have no middle name! One wonders what voodoo religions they had ascribed to, thus causing them to leave history without a middle moniker.

And of course there are the presidential names that were obviously made up to erase some historical embarrassment. Who would purposely name their child Millard Fillmore? And Polk. Would you vote for a Polk? Even the first names of presidents sound fishy and somehow un-American. Rutherford, Ulysses, Grover, Lyndon. I stand in amazement that this obvious conspiracy has run rampant in the White House all these years. Thank God for talk radio’s crack investigative hounds to bring this obvious act of nomenclature sedition to light.

And now we’ve come to this. Barack Hussein Obama, not by any means the first, but simply the current installment of some vast left-wing conspiracy to overturn our system of government and lead us toward a one-world system.

Rabbi Lincoln would be pleased.

Want to find a cowardly way to debase a person’s character? You name it!

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.