Coonridge Digest: A good mollusk

Greetings from the Ridge.
Turkey has never tripped my trigger. Yes, I know it’s the soul of tradition for America Thanksgiving and I tolerate it, but I’d just as soon wait until the day after and enjoy it between two slices of Wonder Bread with mayonnaise.  Like as not I’ll reach over the platter of steaming bird and grab the oyster dressing. Surely the early Pilgrims appreciated a good mollusk when they saw him. In fact, this year I’ve invited one to Thanksgiving dinner.
Climate researchers at Bangor University in Great Britain recently took a dive off the coast of Iceland and came up with what they think may be the longest-lived animal on record, a quahog clam, 405 years old. 
That’s four-o-five. On the day Quahog was born, Shakespeare was writing The Merry Wives of Windsor, the Mayflower was floating across the Atlantic without a GPS system, the King James Bible was getting its first reviews, and we’d just invented the letter “J.”
(In a side note important only to Giordana Bruno, the Italian was burnt at the stake for claiming that the sun rather than the earth was the center of the universe. I imagine he had a rather lousy Thanksgiving that year.)
After the British scientists had finished counting Mr. Quahog’s rings, I rang him up.
“Mr. Quahog?”
(He was slow to answer. What’s time to a 405-year-old clam?) “Yes?”
“This is Freida Marie Crump and I wanted to congratulate you for being the oldest living thing on earth.”
“Actually I was under the sea until a few days ago. Is it always this warm up here?”
“You’ll have to talk to Al Gore. Look, since you probably don’t have any living relatives, I’d like to invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner. You don’t have to bring a thing. Just come hungry. Uh… what do you eat, by the way?”
“Pretty much whatever floats by.”
“That sounds like the Crump household. But I’ve got to ask… I mean, how do you know you’re the oldest thing on earth? What about the Galapagos tortoises and whales?”
“The oldest turtle lived to be 176 and the most elderly whale was a mere 130. Kids. Just kids. Look, life at the bottom of the Iceland sea isn’t exactly strenuous. I once took a nap that lasted 47 years.”
“Mr. Quahog, I’ve got to ask? What are the greatest improvements to civilization you’ve seen in your 405 years?”
“Non-dairy creamers.”
“What?”
“I’m lactose intolerant. I went 380 years without a good latte. Don’t laugh. 300 years seems like forever without coffee.”
“That’s… well, that’s amazing. I thought you’d be impressed by wireless communication or the cure for smallpox. Non-dairy creamers?”
“And PAM cooking spray. Amazing stuff. Absolutely nothing sticks to the frying pan when you just give it a little spritz.”
“Mr. Quahog, this astounds me. I mean, I expected?”
“More philosophy? More esoteric answers? I’ll tell you the truth, after 405 years you pretty much boil life down to the essentials. Coffee-mate and PAM.”
“Could you… well, could you at least tell me your secret for living 405 years?”
“Don’t move much. Sit still. Be quiet. Don’t bother other mollusks, and for God’s sake, don’t draw attention to yourself. One time – just once in last 200 years I decided to come out of my shell to snatch a toadfish and blam! I was picked up in a net by some British biologist. 
I’m tellin’ you, it doesn’t pay to be noticed – that is, if you want to live a long time. Just clam up.”
“So… can we expect you around noon?”
“Make it 2 p.m. I move slow. It took me 400 years to get to the surface. You got plenty of Coffee-mate?”
“And non-stick spray. It’ll be a real Thanksgiving feast.”
“Good. I love tradition.”
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.