MOFB’s “Cut to the Chase”: Two years for the gas chamber

The contest has its rules. Causes for disqualification and eviction seem reasonable, and include: excessive use of alcoholic beverages; use of controlled substances; foul or abusive language; excessive noise from radios or any amplified audio equipment; and fighting and disorderly conduct.

One other rule, however, carries the toughest penalty of all. In addition to disqualification, violators are banned from competing in sanctioned events for two years. Wow, that’s more severe than the penalties for drunk and disorderly conduct and even for using illegal drugs! What is the infraction?

In a manner of speaking, it is the use of a concealed weapon. The "Show-Me the Que" Missouri State Fair barbecue contest is charcoal only, and use of gas or other auxiliary heat sources inside the cooking device means team members are banned from Kansas City Barbecue Society sanctioned events for two years.

It’ reminiscent of Arlo Guthrie’s line in his song Alice’s Restaurant where he finds himself in jail, face-to-face with murderers. When hardened criminals asked Guthrie what he was in for, he mustered his toughest voice and said, "Littering."

Likewise, using gas at a charcoal barbecue contest is a serious offense. It’s not just the contest sponsors and the barbecue society taking the sanctioned event seriously – the contestants do, too. Early in the morning, their trucks and trailers are lined up at the entrance to the Missouri State Fair.

Yes, trucks – big trucks and long trailers transport many of the teams’ barbecue ‘grills.’ Oh, you’ll see some Weber kettles in use, but while the Webers are the Cadillacs of suburban backyards, they are the Yugos of barbecue competitions.

Teams arrive with flatbed trailers loaded with stainless steel outdoor kitchens and ultra fancy barbecue rigs. Imagine the cost of building such fancy rigs, not to mention the hours invested by team members who build them. It might make sense if the prize was a six-figure check instead of a plaque or trophy.

The Missouri State Fair barbecue contest is proof there is, at best, a narrow margin differentiating a hobby and insanity, but let me tell you – these folks have a lot of fun. It is a pride thing, of course. Thousands of dollars and untold hours of labor are invested for bragging rights.

Since I work at the State Fair every year, I cannot enter contests; but when I retire from Missouri Farm Bureau I would like to enter the barbecue contest. I would do things a little differently, however. I would have a simple folding lawn chair, a hibachi mounted on a TV tray and an umbrella hat.

My barbecued ribs are probably no better than those of the average backyard pork burner. Still, I think I could win this contest. There is no way the other teams could keep themselves from loudly deriding me and using abusive language for my ‘barbecue rig.’ They would be disqualified in no time at all.

By the way, the barbecue contest (Aug. 17-18) is only one of hundreds of enjoyable competitions and events at the Missouri State Fair. Pack up the family and head to the Missouri State Fair, Aug. 9-19 in Sedalia. Stop by the Farm Bureau building and say hi – we would love to meet you.

(Denny Banister, of Jefferson City, is the assistant director of public affairs for the Missouri Farm Bureau, the state’s largest farm organization.)