Coonridge Digest:Wouldn’t have given politics a second glance

Greetings from the Ridge.
You can only wonder how some things might have played out in another time and another place. I often question how the great heroes of our past might have stood up to the pure lunacy of today’s political arena, and I sometimes wonder if our truly great men and women in the past would have given today’s politics a second glance.
Still? It’s fun to speculate.
BLITZER: Hello! I’m Horace Greely Blitzer for the Colonial News Network, the most trusted name in news of the colonies. Tonight’s debate is going out via Pony Express and smoke signals to homes and teepees throughout the 13 colonies and several Indian tribes in the Alleghenies. We have with us on the wagon tonight two very prominent names in Colonial politics, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson.  
General Washington, the first question is for you.
WASHINGTON: I want to first thank the good ladies of the Forbearers of the American Revolution for hosting tonight’s debate.
BLITZER: Yes, but if you would please just answer the question, General. What is your position on evolution?
WASHINGTON: On what?
BLITZER: Evolution, General. Do you believe that the biblical account of creation should be taken literally?
WASHINGTON: I thought this was to be a Presidential debate.
BLITZER: General, there are thousands of listeners out there who want to know the very questions I’m asking. After all, I am the most trusted name in news.
WASHINGTON: What was your name again?
BLIZTER: Horace Blitzer, General. Is there some reason you don’t want to answer this question?
WASHINGTON: Yes. It’s immaterial.
BLITZER: Mr. Jefferson, same question.
JEFFERSON: Same answer. If you’re considering either of us for President of the United States, then I’d suggest you direct your thought and consideration to the truly important issues of our day and not some sensational inquiries designed to boost your ratings. 
Besides, those Pony Express horses get mighty tired and I won’t be wearing them down with the bearing of such trivialities.
BLITZER: With all due respect, Mr. Jefferson, it is the media who define the issues.
JEFFERSON: Then with very little respect, Mr. Blitzer, you are a fool.
BLITZER: Next question! General Washington, what is your personal faith?
WASHINGTON: What was your name again?
BLITZER: Blitzer! Horace Blitzer, the most trusted name in news!
WASHINGTON: Mr. Blitzer, I am not running for the office of Pope or even country parson. It is my job to govern a nation of laws, not dogma. My personal faith is just that… personal.
BLITZER: Then how can the people of these thirteen colonies be expected to judge where you stand with God?
WASHINGTON: I frankly have no desire to govern a nation whose only concern with their President is his church attendance. If I may say so, Mr. Blitzer, I have more regard for the good sense of the colonists than I do their “most trusted name in news.”
BLITZER: Mr. Jefferson?
JEFFERSON: There’s little I can add to the General’s sentiments. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a Presidential candidate to change his positions and issues to suit the news media, then I will find better things to occupy my time in the gardens and fields of Monticello.
WASHINGTON: Sir, we are currently at war, our economy is floundering, and the Potomac is becoming clogged with refuse. There are issues we need to discuss this evening. If you are a responsible journalist and a true American then please direct your comments to the issues that truly affect the course of this new nation.
BLITZER: I’m sorry that we’ve run out of time in tonight’s debate. Be sure to join us next week when we’ll be questioning the Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton about his stand on a woman’s right to choose and the recent immigration policies toward Ireland.
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.