The Coonridge Digest: No more idea than the man in the moon…

Greetings from the Ridge.

I’ve gotten sick of Presidential election campaigns my entire life, but I’ve never caught the ugly bug quite this soon in the season. It’s not so much the obscenity of the dollars spent, the hateful spectacle that campaigning has become, or the wasting of everyone’s time so early on… it’s simply the repetition of certain meaningless and dishonest wordage. Phrases meant to soothe, to mollify, pacify, and in the end signifying nothing.

Could we just propose an all-out ban on certain phrases in election campaigns? Okay, there’s this little thing about freedom of speech… Put it this way: You can use the phrase, but if you do you automatically lose 10 electoral votes.

Like… "The American people have made it clear, that…" Okay Bubba, if it’s so darned clear, how come you still haven’t got the point?

Another translation of this lie is "Don’t blame me for how I vote. The polls have made it clear that I’ve got to say this or I won’t be reelected."

"We’re moving forward on this," means… loosely… "I have no more idea than the man in the moon where in the heck we’re going. We’re going forward, okay?" The Charge of the Light Brigade comes to mind. "Uh… sir, we’re about to all be slaughtered." "Never mind, private, we’re moving forward. We’re moving forward! Half a league! Half a league! Half a league? Forward!"

Then there are the twin phrases, "The American people want me to be perfectly frank and honest!" ("I’m about to crucify my opponent and it’s not my fault… people want it.") And "We need to elevate this discussion." Translated: "Somebody just said something bad – and probably true – about me."

"We’ve been entering into discussions," simply means, "We haven’t accomplished a thing." Talking has somehow become a substitute for progress.

Uncle Jack used to keep a big old piece of iron in his truck. He called it his blunderbuss. I have no idea what the huge piece of metal was designed for, but Jack used it when nothing else would work. If he needed a hammer, Jack would hammer away with his blunderbuss. The blunderbuss then alternately became a lever, a sledge, a rat killer, and once event the centerpiece in his wife’s "The Seasons of The Farm" floral exhibit at the church’s annual flower show.

Politicians have their own all-purpose blunderbuss and it’s called "The American people…" Whether you trick it around to say, "The American people want…" or "The American people don’t want…" or "The American people know…" you can then slip any conveniently self-serving phrase of your own onto the tail of the phrase and you sound as if you’d just had your face added to Mt. Rushmore while riding across the Delaware on Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria on the battlefield at Gettysburg.

And the list goes on?

"I’m taking that under advisement." ("I have no idea what you’re talking about, and to be quiet honest, I’m not sure I can spell it.")

"That’s a matter of national security." ("I ain’t tellin’ ya.")

"This is a free market economy." ("How can I vote to regulate the power companies when they’re funding my reelection campaign?"

"The defense of our nation is my number one priority." ("Well, actually getting reelected is my number priority and the companies holding military manufacturing contracts are my main contributors.")

"It’s time for a free and open discussion!" ("My opponent is using the national security line.")

"I need to spend more time with my wife and family." ("60 minutes found out about what I’ve been doing and they’re going to air the show this Sunday night. I’m outa here, baby.")

I can remember sitting on the back fence after school with my friends and discussing the various ways to die. Karla Johnson allowed as how fire would be about the worst way, but the assorted members of our backyard club also gave the nod to suffocation, drowning, and being eaten alive by cockroaches. None of us were old enough to pay much attention to politicians, or we’d have voted overwhelmingly for platitude poisoning.

Am I jaded? Pessimistic? Cynical? I’m taking it under advisement.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door, but you’ll enjoy the trip.