The Coonridge Digest: Just out strollin’

Greetings from the Ridge.

If God had worked this out properly, our throats would enlarge with age. It seems that as the years creep up on us we’re required to swallow more and more – vitamins, minerals, dietary supplements, the occasional laxative, and our pride.

Herb and I grew up on the farm where the last thing you wanted to do at the end of the day was exercise. A day of bucking bales, wrestling hogs, and setting hedge posts provided all the exercise we wanted and free time meant freedom to just sit down and rest. Fact is, we’ve spent our share of time scoffing at those city dwellers who actually pay good money to other folks to help them exercise.

Then retirement came and the hedge posts were being set by someone else. We sat there and watched the joints stiffen and the abs flab and decided that maybe we’d better motivate these torsos down the road while there was still something to move.

Coonridge remains a wonderful place for an evening’s stroll but since Midwestern weather has you ducking snow, windstorms, rain, and hail on a regular basis we looked for more regular (and hopefully affordable) exercise.

For years we’d seen the mall walkers zipping around the city shopping area, but our closest mall is an hour away so we opted for a Shop-Flo store some 13 miles from our front porch. The Shop-Flo is retail store with wide aisles and a regular clientele of senior citizen strollers.

And here’s where the pride gets a good swallowing.

If you walk around your own block you can write it off as an appreciation of nature, an esoteric admiration of small town living, and a salute to the American way of life. If you purposely put on your walking shoes, load up, and travel 13 miles to walk around a store you have officially announced that you’ve heard the knock of the Grim Reaper on your door and you want to keep him on the doorstep for at least another week.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but Herb and I spent two mornings scouting out the Shop-Flo just to see how it’s done. We pretended to shop, but the only thing we planned to bring home with us was a battle plan to make us seem inconspicuous on our maiden voyage into the world of store walking.

I sent Herb one direction while I took off in the other. My first job was to discover the pattern of flow. Most of the store walkers favored a clockwise direction, heading left upon entering the store, taking a hard right at the denture cleaner, proceeding north to the bird feeders, taking right past the toys and electronics, another hard right at the menswear, scooting north to the brassieres, another right through the jewelry section, past the checkout, and completing the first lap in front of the romance novels.

Herb found that single walkers tended to take a counter-clockwise route, asserting their independence or avoiding the awkward situation of needing to pass other SW’s. He walked a bit with a fellow with a swinging gait and a cowboy hat. He told Herb that five laps equaled a mile and that was what he should shoot for. Herb allowed as this was overdoing it a bit, but I told him there were chairs available in the pharmacy right beside the blood pressure check, and I’d pick him up on my final lap.

On our second scouting excursion I found that the more experienced SW’s tend to swing their arms when they walk. I dreaded the prospect of this, somehow figuring that if you kept your hands close to your body you could still disguise yourself as a casual shopper, albeit a very fast one. The swinging arms just shout "Cardiovascular!" to me and I still wasn’t ready to admit my flabby condition.

Other observations:

* Even though you came to walk, you drive around the parking lot three times to find the closest parking space.

* Once committed to the store stroll, you don’t stop. If you want to chat with a SW, you’d best keep up.

* The lady in the red sweatshirt… stay out of her way. She neither honks nor signals when she pulls out to pass and God help the stroller, shopper, or store manager who’s foolish enough to step into the path of her charge down the aisles.

* Some SW’s push carts in front of them. I still can’t tell whether this is for shopping or balance.

* It’s a good idea to buy a little something while you’re there. Yea, they’d still turn the heat on if you didn’t show up, but after all, it beats kicking at loose dogs on your own block.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. If we don’t answer the door we’ll be out strolling.