by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetings from the Ridge.
Pity poor Yoko. John Lennon’s widow is fit to be levitated because in April the pay-per-view service, In Demand, will try to contact the ex-Beatle via the spirit world. The live séance will feature confidants of John along with "psychics and colleagues" sitting around a table for 30 minutes surrounded by infra-red cameras that can capture any "presence" or spirit that enters the room.
Yoko claims that her deceased husband already "communicates" through his music and that the pay-per-view show is tacky and commercial.
Heavens. Who’d have thought?
Of course, what’s really got her burning is the fact that the same séance company did a similar job on Princess Diana ("The Spirit of Diana!") three years ago, but failed to make a connection. And what’s worse, the séance network charged $14.95 to hear the princess fail to show while they’re only charging $9.95 for a dead Beatle who will probably give a similar response.
Aside from the fact that Ms. Ono has failed to prove legal claim on John’s spirit, she’s just miffed that anyone would choose to dishonor his memory on the 25th anniversary of his death. Maybe it’s just uncomfortable for other folks to be talking to her husband while she’s not around.
Harry Houdini’s wife spent the better part of her late husband’s riches trying to get in touch with him again. I have days like that. Herb leaves for town and as soon as he’s out of the drive I remember something I wanted him to pick up. But of course my Ouija board is a cell phone and since we bought one there’s no way I can manage to lose the little snit.
If you ask me, they’re all missing the boat. If you have a porch full of people and someone knocks on the door, don’t you let ‘em all in? Do you water your plants one drop at a time? Heck, if we’ve unplugged the channel to the great beyond, let’s make some real cash on this. I can envision a call-in show, where for maybe two bucks a pop, you can ask questions of any dead celebrity.
(Dial tone… the Eternal Ringtone once… twice, then…)
"This is for George Burns. Now that you’ve seen the real thing, do you guys really look anything alike?"
For Jimmy Hoffa… "Come on. Where’d they dump you? Just a hint."
Myron Floren… "Can you take your accordion and still call it heaven?"
Elvis… "What do you mean you’re tied up in another séance?"
Julius Caesar… "When are you going to learn to listen to your wife?"
And maybe for an extra buck, you can log into the Séance Deluxe, give an extra rub to the crystal ball and contact a real "live" President of the United States.
George Washington… "We’ve kept your desk and the cherry tree, but we’ve chucked the ‘I cannot tell a lie’ bit."
For Richard Nixon "You know, Dick, you’re looking better all the time."
For Lincoln… "Did you know you’d be the last president to have "Honest" tacked onto your name?"
President Grant… "Look, we apologize about the history books. We thought you were the only president plagued by bad advisors."
John Kerry.. "Oh, sorry. You’re not president? Not even dead? I want my money back."
Harry Truman… "Still got that little sign on your desk, ‘The Buck Stops Here’? Harry, we can’t even find the buck today."
Thomas Jefferson… "Okay Tom, I know you were really hot on those civil liberties thingies, but we’ve… you know… tweaked it a little. Hope you don’t mind. And by the way, this séance is being recorded."
Ronald Reagan… "Is this really what you meant?"
Franklin Pierce…. "Who?"
F.D.R. …… "Things are about the same, Franklin, except we’ve changed the Fair Deal to the No Deal. Hope you don’t mind."
Oh, there are no doubt those who pooh-pooh the idea of asking questions of dead presidents, but even a little success would beat the luck we’ve had getting the truth out of the live ones.
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.