The Coonridge Digest: Seeing things Midwestern style

Greetings from the Ridge.

I’ve read for years that when a young man or woman wants to enter the field of broadcasting, his school teaches him to use the Midwestern dialect in speaking. I guess they figure that the accent of the plains is about average and most easily understandable by all. Dan Rather, a former Texan, had to listen to Indiana and Illinois accents to learn his craft.

So why don’t CNN and Fox and NBC use Midwestern newscasters to begin with and skip all the diction lessons? From what I’ve seen of Midwesterners, they just don’t have the temperament. I think we lack the necessary hyperactive personality.

Our neighbor, Ralph Tucker, would never have made it on the Weather Channel. Midwesterners have this strange habit of coming in out of the rain, something that the spastic TV weathermen haven’t mastered. Ralph once slept through a tornado. He knew it was coming, he’d seen the warnings on the television, yet he simply went to bed. When his friends uncovered him the next morning, they asked why he’d gone to sleep.

Ralph simply said, "It was bedtime."

Herb and I were watching the reports of Hurricane Rita battering the Texas coast.

"Freida, why is that man standing in the middle of a hurricane?"

"Because his competitors on the other networks are standing in the hurricane."

"Would you go stand in the rain just because I did?"

"No."

"How come?"

"Because I’ve got good sense." And that about settled the matter.

Years ago we were putting hay into mow of a barn just west of town. Uncle Pete, about 80 years old and shaped like a flagpole in overalls, was helping us stack the bales. Something went wrong and we got behind as the hay came up the elevator. Uncle Pete reached to get a bale and before he knew it, he was hit square in the back by the next bale… then the next and the next. By the time we found Uncle Pete, he was covered with about twenty bales of clover hay. We pulled the old man out by his good leg, brushed him off, and he just stared at us. "Boys, that was close," he said. Then he commenced to stacking more hay.

Uncle Pete would not have made it on CNN. Can you imagine Wolf Blitzer simply reporting the news from hurricane-dodging Houston with, "Boys, that was close."?

We may have the preferred speech patterns, but Midwesterners lack the disposition to deliver the news. Despite our good looks and nice pickup trucks we’re too prone to understatement and simply reporting the facts. CBS, the home of Edward R. Murrow, Walter Kronkite, and a network that should know better, covered one of President Bush’s visits to New Orleans last week.

Ominous music! The faint rumble of a helicopter in the background (he flew in on a jet), then huge red graphics declaring "Bush to New Orleans!" then the sonorous tones of the anchorman: "President George Bush flies to New Orleans!" By now we’ve pretty much got the picture that the President went to New Orleans. Quick cut to shot of President coming down steps of airplane. (Why won’t they let him pull up to the gate like everyone else?) Voice of anchor: "President George Bush flew to New Orleans today for his sixth visit to the hurricane ravaged Gulf Coast!" By now the anchor was nearly wetting himself with excitement. I imagine that he had to be carried away from the microphone, dripping wet when the newscast was finished.

The sixth trip? This is something to get excited about? The next morning Bub Blevins was sitting at the Coonridge Cafe! drinking coffee.

Paul Dufelson was reading the paper and said, "Bush went to New Orleans again." Bub took another sip and said, "That right?" Bub and Paul had covered the news and had missed a single important fact. No shouting, no music, no graphics, and no big deal. And they had one thing that CBS lacked… perspective.

Of course there’s no worse news for a newsman than the prospect of no news. I guess that’s why they’ve got to hype what little they have when times are lean then shake with convulsions of emotion when it does.

Might as well face it, Midwesterners make lousy news reporters. We’ve got this obnoxious habit of seeing things for what they are.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.