Family Daze: A Mommy’s Bill of Rights

With the Fourth of July weekend in our midst, I’ve been reflecting on the days when I used to have my own independence. Since the birth of my two children, the only freedom I get is when I hide in the laundry room, on top of the dryer. I decided the Constitution, a model for human rights and democracy, but written by founding fathers, gives little hope to mothers who don’t have time to pursue life or liberty, and whose happiness is stopping at a red light to finish brushing their teeth in the rear view mirror. Someone has to uphold the rights of a group of people whose arms are too tired by the end of the day to hold anything else up. And so here we go…

The Mommy’s Bill of Rights

Article I: A mom has the right to freedom of speech. She may talk on the phone during the day (and finish a conversation) without having to see a circus side show put on by her children consisting of invisible wounds, lost ladybugs, and a gymnastics routine using the sofa and halogen lamp.

Article II: Moms have the right to confiscate any inanimate object used as a weapon including the television remote or anything found underneath the sofa cushion. Gymnastic Barbie may not be bent into a slingshot and used to pelt unsuspecting siblings with tiny stiletto heels.

Article III: All mothers have the natural right to bear and utilize one of the most dangerous and powerful weapons in the world: guilt

Article IV: Moms have the right to peacefully assemble. Once a week mothers will meet a group of friends for a leisurely meal they don’t have to cook – while the children stay home with Dad.

Article V: Moms have the right not to be a victim of cruel and unusual punishment. No mom is required to sit through a movie containing talking animals more than once, and no one is to climb into her bed before 7 a.m., take all the covers, and warm their cold feet on her back.

Article VI: Moms have the right to own unbroken possessions that don’t cook, clean or vacuum. No one may enter her room without consent, use her expensive lipstick to draw hopscotch on the sidewalk, or try to sell the good crystal from a booth in the driveway for a dollar.

Article VII: Mothers have the right to bestow wisdom to anybody, even if they don’t ask for it.

Article VIII: Mothers have the right to donate any toy left on the kitchen floor to charity or string it on fishing line and turn it into a Christmas ornament.

Article IX: Mothers have the right to vigorously promote coats and vegetables. Children caught catapulting corn across the dining room with a fork instead of eating it or playing in the rain without a jacket will be severely punished by article III.

Article X: Mothers have the right to prohibit anyone under five from asking "but, why?" At least, before their first cup of coffee.

Amendment I: A mother has the right to love her children unconditionallyùforever.