The Coonridge Digest: Trouble sleeping?

Greetings from the Ridge.

"I hope you enjoyed your sleep last night, Herb."

"I take it that means you didn’t?"

"How could I? I didn’t get any!"

"Freida, I’ll take responsibility for a lot of things, but I’ve got nothin’ to do with the amount of sleep you get."

"You most certainly do! You’re the reason I can’t sleep!"

"Me?"

"I lay there in bed, my eyes wide open, then I hear you snoring before your head hits the pillow."

"My snorin’ keeps you awake?"

"Heavens no! I got used to that years ago. It’s the fact that you sleep so well, that keeps me awake. It’s not fair. You’re the one whose conscience ought to keep him awake every night."

"Freida, we all live under the same tree. It’s our choice as to whether or not we get hit by an apple."

"What the heck does that mean?"

"I’m not sure. I read it in Readers’ Digest. Maybe I got some of the words wrong."

"When did you manage to read anything old man? You watch television all evening then fall into your nightly coma once you get in bed."

"It was an article on sleep. It said that people who sleep only six or seven hours a night live longer than those who sleep a full eight hours. I thought it might do you some good to know that you’ll outlive me."

"I know darned well that I’ll outlive you. There’s no way you could survive without me."

"I’m trying to help you, Freida. Want to know what else the article said?"

"No."

"It said you shouldn’t read in bed."

"That’s the only way I can get to sleep. I break out the minutes of my church committee or read a transcript of Vice President Cheney’s last speech."

"That’s another thing. I think Democrats sleep less. They worry more."

"You’ve got that right, old man. Fact is, I haven’t slept since the last election. What else did your sleep article say?"

"It said that a bed should be for sleeping, not reading or watching television. You don’t bathe in the microwave so you shouldn’t read in bed. Your body needs to know that when it’s in bed, it sleeps."

"I’ve told my body that, Herb. It doesn’t listen. What else?"

"You need to set aside a time to worry."

"I did. It’s every time you open your mouth."

"Laugh at the findings of modern medicine if you will, sweetheart. You’re supposed to set aside a certain time every day to worry, then when you start worrying in bed you tell yourself, ‘No, there’s a time for that.’"

"That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. I’d lay there worrying that I’d forget my worrying time. I’d worry about worrying. Are you sure you weren’t reading Field and Stream?"

"Readers’ Digest does not lie, Freida."

"What else?"

"It said you need to give up your bad habits if you want a good night’s sleep."

"I only have one bad habit and I can’t get rid of it because I don’t believe in divorce."

"Getting a little testy are we, old girl?"

"Herb, you are an absolute catalog of bad habits! You gossip, you chew tobacco, you eat with your mouth open, and you vote Republican. When you look up ‘bad habit’ in the dictionary, they’ve got your picture! What does it say about just kickin’ your know-it-all spouse out of the bed and puttin’ him out on the porch?"

"That’s just what the article said."

"What?"

"A poor disposition and a grouchy temperament are not conducive to a good night’s rest."

"That’s ridiculous. What’s the next article about?"

"Ten steps to a perfect harmony in your marriage."

"Go to bed, Herb."

"It’s nine in the morning, Freida."

"Close enough."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.