My Mother said there would be days like this

by Rev. James L. Snyder, award winning author and popular religion columnist, Ocala, Florida

Mothers are the greatest dispensers of advice since God said, “Let there be light.” My own mother gave me some splendid advice when I was growing up. Unfortunately, much of Mom’s advice shed light on nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Let me outline some advice my mother gave me that, to this day, I have no idea what she was talking about.

I distinctly remember my mother standing before me, with her hands on her hips, scolding me for something and then saying, “Who do you think you are?”

This always disturbed me and caused me to wonder about my nativity. As a young person, I often pondered this question myself. As with most teens, I had long moments of identity crisis. (When you are young most of your energy goes into producing hormones and so the brain functions on low voltage.)

It greatly confused me that the person who should know who I was, asked me the question I had been asking myself. If she does not know who I am, what hope do I have?

Then there was the time I asked my mother for money. She whirled around and replied, “Do you think money grows on trees?”

Up to that point I have never given the matter much thought. I simply assumed money came from my father going to work and being paid. However, here was something new to ponder.

Where does money come from, really? What added to my confusion was the name of our bank — The Elm Tree Branch of First National Bank of Harrisburg. Now I was totally confused.

When I was quite young, I remember asking my mother for something in the store. I think it was some small toy that I took a fancy to and asked my mother to buy. She refused. I complained and demanded to know why.

She looked me straight in the eye and said, “Because I’m the mother, that’s why.” To this day, I still do not know what in the world that statement meant.

When she saw my confusion, she told me, “When you have children of your own, you will understand.” I have children of my own as well as grandchildren, and I still do not know what she meant. It must be a mother ‑ thing, which is all I know.

Then there was the time I wanted to do something with some guys and my mother would not let me. “But everyone else is going,” I protested in vain.

That’s when my mother gave me her spin on the situation at hand.

“What if EVERYONE jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too?”

The thing that confused me was nobody was going to jump off any cliff. In fact, nobody in their right mind would every think of such a stupid thing. Nobody, that is, but my mother.

I figured she must have gotten her sadistic side from her mother. It must be something mothers pass on to their daughters, because we men do not get it.

Most memorable of her nuggets of wisdom to me is that piece of advice that I still abide by. Before leaving the house my mother would say, “Make sure you have clean underwear on in case you get in a car wreck and have to go to the hospital.”

I have never figured out what clean underwear has to do with going to the hospital, but that piece of advice made for the worse day of my high school years.

Just as I drove into the school parking lot one day, it dawned on me that I had forgotten to put on clean underwear. Panic raced through my teenage heart like never before. I was certain some disaster awaited me around the next corridor.

By the end of the day, I was a nervous wreck. Driving home, I was sure something would happen to me, putting me in the hospital. I imagined myself being rushed into surgery and the first thing the medical team asked was, “Check his underwear to see if they are clean.”

Upon finding my underwear not clean, they refused me any medical attention and sent me back to my mother.

To this day, I am paranoid about wearing clean, fresh underwear each day. I have my mother to thank for that.

Thanks Mom. And Happy Mother’s Day.