Family Daze: The realities of birthday party limitations

Where kids’ birthday parties are concerned, there are two kinds of people in the world: those who, thanks to a combination of planning, Mother Nature, or plain old good luck, happen to have the stomach for throwing a birthday party in their home. And then there are the rest of us.

It’s easy to tell who belongs in the first group because they’re the ones enthusiastically planning big outdoorsy type parties, usually involving swimming pools, water balloons and loads of children. While the parents in the second group spend months desperately racking their brains trying to find some place, anyplace, to hold a birthday party to keep from having it at their house.

Every year, starting in the late fall, I lie awake nights trying to think up somewhere to throw a kid’s party that is a) large enough, b) not somewhere he’s had a party before and c) within driving distance. Now you’d think this wouldn’t be so hard. You would think. But after about a decade of doing this, the only place left in town that meets these criteria is the DMV.

Sure, I could try having it at my house. I could also try blanket weaving and making my own jelly. Okay, okay, we all know a few brave souls whom, for reasons unknown to us, actually enjoy throwing birthday parties at their house. Granted, these are usually the same types of people who aren’t rattled by chocolate frosting smeared in their white carpet or the sound of breaking glass.

Take, for instance, my ultra-organized friend Carol. Each January she invites a dozen or so kid’s over to celebrate her daughter’s birthday. She has it all planned out: First, a nice simple craft, then a game or two, followed by cake and ice cream, and finally presents minutes before everyone is picked up to go home. It’s amazing, really, how she manages to pull it off year after year.

That is, until this year when, due to an unfortunate series of miscalculations, the birthday party ended a full ten minutes before the parents were due to arrive. Thus creating the one situation you must avoid at all costs: free time. Now, ten minutes may not seem like very long to you, but everyone who has ever tried to control a group of kids wired on cake and ice cream knows, ten minutes is just enough time to break into the bedroom, try on the good lipstick, chase the cat into the linen closet, pop all of the balloons, hang toilet paper from the chandelier, and play with all of the presents. Needless to say, as soon as the last guest pulled away, Carol got on the phone and reserved the skating rink for next year.

Then there’s my friend Martha who not only planned a fairy princess party at her house, but made the cake as well. (Mind you, not one, but TWO crucial mistakes) She spent the entire day making a castle only to have it collapse minutes before the guests were due to arrive. Out of desperation, she concocted a flimsy story about an accident with a certain fire-breathing dragon.

Then there’s my friend Jenny who, during one particularly bizarre home party, found someone’s baby sleeping on her bed.

That’s the thing about running birthday parties: you can ever be quite sure what will happen next.

The easiest solution would be to by pass them altogether, but that doesn’t seem to be an option. My son has come to expect things like friends and cake and presents on his birthday, and I doubt I could slip it past him. Besides, it’s not like I don’t enjoy birthday parties. I do. I just know my limitations.

Besides, the nice thing about birthday parties is whatever you do, the kids won’t care as long as you put enough chocolate and glittery stuff into the favor bags.

That’s really the important thing, you know.