by Freida Marie Crump
This website brought to you in part by the following sponsor:
Find out how to advertise here - Email us! [email protected]
Greetings from the Ridge.
"Herb, look at this computer screen. That’s our house."
"How can you tell?"
"Look at the roof. We’ve got the oldest shingles in the neighborhood.
Might as well pack it up and move to Canada, sweetheart. This is the final straw."
"It’s just the government, Freida. They don’t care a thing about what our roof looks like."
"It’s just the government? I cannot believe I’m hearing you, Herbert!
The U.S. Geological Survey’s satellite images can be downloaded by anybody! They’ve made every address in the U.S. public information! Big Brother isn’t just watching you, he’s peeking down your chimney! Look!
I’m sure that’s you on the back porch."
"Can’t be. What am I doing?"
"Don’t worry. This was taken in the daylight and you wait ‘til after dark to do that."
"There’s nothin’ wrong with the government takin’ a picture of our house, Freida."
"And putting it on the Internet? Wanna drop a bomb? It’s got our coordinates right there. -90.37269 longitude and 39.87914 latitude. You only need a half-smart bomb to pinpoint our bathtub."
"You can see into the bathtub?"
"It’s the Patriot Act, Herb! To protect us they’ve moved into our bedroom!"
"Freida, I’ve never once seen a government man between our sheets."
"That’ll be next. They can now access our medical records, student records, and what you check out of the library… and they can prevent you from even knowing they’ve been snooping."
"The last book I checked out was Classic John Deeres. I think I’m safe, Freida."
"What in God’s name has happened to freedom, Herb? It’s the if-you’re-not-for-us-you’re-against-us mentality!"
"Desperate times require desperate measures, Freida."
"Thank you, Mr. Ashcroft. Want to watch Schindler’s List tonight? Want to see what desperate measures can lead us into?"
"The Patriot Act is going to expire at the end of the year."
"You think so? The Attorney General says it needs to be beefed up.
That’ll put ‘em right between our sheets, Herb."
"What would be left of this country if we left it to you knee jerk liberals?"
"Freedom!"
"Face it, Freida. Given a choice, folks would rather be safe than free."
"You make me want to cry, Herb."
"I’ll take you out for supper tonight."
"Because you’re probably right. Given a choice, I’ve got an awful suspicion that we’d rather be watched and locked up than free and vulnerable. Our hotel reservation records, psychiatric history, bookstore purchases, magazine subscriptions, membership records, banking and credit records…..I’ve got a terrible notion that we’d rather give it all up to buy a security, and not even give a toot as to whether it does anything for our safety."
"Oh don’t be so down in the mouth, Freida. We aren’t giving up that much."
"Yea, you’re right, Herb. The constitution is just a silly piece of paper. The 1st amendment….the 4th amendment. The whole Bill of Rights is just bit of liberal propaganda. I’ll bet it was a printing error to put the "in" on "inalienable rights."
"Better safe than sorry."
"That’s really clever. You come up with that one all by yourself, Herb? We’re creating a national retirement home, Herb. The doors are locked at night, they’ll feed us when it’s time, the bills we be automatically taken out of our account, and the doors will all have buzzers in case we try to make a break for freedom."
"Are you finished?"
"The whole country’s finished. We’re about to give up our last crumb of freedom and we’ll thank them for the privilege."
"I’m going uptown."
"And while you’re out, sweetheart…"
"Yea?"
"Smile for the camera."
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.