The Coonridge Digest: Love of scandal

Greetings from the Ridge.

Nancy Grace of Court TV recently said, "We all grew up with Michael Jackson, loving him."

We did? Did you? Did I miss the love fest? I wonder which planet dear Nancy hopped off and who she’s been talking to. I sat there trying to think how I could have missed this love affair. To tell you the truth, I think we all grew up with a love of scandal and trivia.

One of our area churches was recently sent a new book of discipline.

The grand poobahs of their national council had labored for three years to produce the document, the church spent nearly a million dollars to have it written and printed, and the local church committee spent exactly 7 ½ minutes reviewing it. At the same meeting the group decided to have the fellowship hall redecorated. The ensuing discussion ran over two hours and had to be tabled until the next meeting for further discussion.

It’s a standing joke in Coonridge that the local school board glances over the curriculum changes for next year’s schedule and passes the entire future of kids’ education with a mumbled, unanimous "yea" vote.

But if the school is scheduled to buy a new school bus, they’d better bring breakfast with them to the meeting. Engines and chassis are interesting. Education, less so.

I look at the celebrity trials of O.J., Martha, Robert Blake, and others with big reputations and even bigger lawyers, and I stand amazed at our love of trivia. When Scott Peterson was sentenced in his double murder trial, the fifty loyal buzzards outside the courthouse were joined by thousands of others. San Mateo County Sheriff Captain Mark Hanlon said, "We had implemented the security plan usually reserved for disasters."

San Mateo County Sheriff Capt. Mark Hanlon. The verdict was broadcast live in Italy. In the midst of the Iraq war, many of our troops were tuned in to San Mateo.

I once received a venomous letter from a reader who took issue with my "cereal box theory." When I buy all-grain breakfast flakes, the nuts all seem to settle at the bottom. The reader, a former Californian, was less than sympathetic to my view that it was no coincidence that most of these nutty legal circuses occur in her home state. I simply wondered if maybe the walnuts were all rolling toward the West Coast.

When Lizzy Borden made sushi out of her father and stepmother in their home in Fall River, Massachusetts in 1892, the newspapers provided gavel-to-gavel coverage, then the media circus really came to town as Bruno Hauptmann was accused of the kidnap and murder of famed aviator Charles Lindbergh’s infant son in 1935. We’re all familiar with the modern reincarnation of Barnum and Bailey when O.J. started trying on gloves.

Denise Ono of MSNBC said that a growing number of folks aren’t satisfied with newspaper and television coverage, and they must actually travel to the scene of the crime. Lizzie Borden’s bloody parlor is now a bed and breakfast. I’d love to get a look at the menu.

The talking heads have put forth various theories about our fascination with high profile trials. Some say it’s our attraction to celebrities. Scott Peterson sold fertilizer. Celebrity? There’s a new book out about women’s interest in killers. I have some strange friends, but none of them have taken to hanging around prisons in hopes of glimpsing a mass murderer.

Nope, I think we’re just more interested in the trivial. Given of choice of solving the disaster of 40 million people dying of AIDS and whether or not the Cubs can make another run at the pennant, our conversation will head toward Chicago most days. Do we really want to talk about Social Security reform while Michael Jackson is wearing pajamas in court?

I was at Coonridge High School last week. The ACT tests were coming up and the Jr. High was just a day away from the dreaded standardized tests that would determine the future of the school. But instead of preparation for tests, all I saw was the pairings for the NCAA tournament on most desks and taped to the back of notebooks.

When our nation was founded, only the elite were allowed to vote and determine the fate of the nation. We’ve done away with those laws. We don’t need them anymore. The elite have become those who’ve read and studied the issues. Sadly, everyone can vote.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.