The Coonridge Digest: Anyone have a cold?

Greetings from the Ridge.

I didn’t hear the actual conversation, but if I had the chance it would have gone something like this.

"You say you can terrorize the entire country, bring it to its knees, cripple its commerce and inflate its health care costs with just a single piece of tissue?"

"Absolutely, comrade. For the cost of a single sheet of Kleenex or paper cup I can bring America crashing down within a week."

The little tribe of conspirators gathered more closely to hear the plot being expounded by this young genius in their midst.

"But what substance can possibly be potent and toxic enough to bring down an entire nation?"

The young militant smiled as he produced a small vial from his parka.

"This," he said, "is the mightiest weapon in our arsenal."

The group of terrorists withdrew in horror. "What are you doing bringing it here?" shouted the leader. "Are you crazy? Are you an instrument of the infidels?"

"Oh, it will not hurt you," smiled the young man. "Were you to breathe the entire contents of my little vial right now, you’d sniffle a bit and perhaps have a headache for a few days."

"Ballalm be praised!" shouted the leader. "A poison that can destroy our enemy but will not harm us! Ballalm be praised indeed! Now tell us about this wonderful new weapon."

The young man gingerly rolled the vial back and forth in his fingers.

"This," he said, "is the common cold virus. Simply place a drop of it on a handkerchief then slip it into the lunchbox of any unsuspecting first grader."

"But all first graders are unsuspecting!"

"Exactly! So it should be a small matter to infect an entire population. You see, in the land of the infidel, the school systems shut their children up tightly all winter long. They never let them go out of doors for fear of parental lawsuits and so their classrooms as they call them, are fertile breeding grounds for every infectious virus known to mankind."

"But surely the parents keep the children home when…"

"No. Not if there is a ballgame that evening. And here is where my plan reaches epidemic proportions. No one stays home from basketball games, no matter how ill they may be. After spending all day in closed classrooms and offices, they drive in closed automobiles to closed gymnasiums where they cough and hack and the viruses flow freely around the enclosed space. If a virus enters first grade on Monday morning, it will have spread throughout the entire community by Wednesday night."

"But surely the infidel has better sense than to…"

"No," smiled the young militant. "No, he does not. He will bring his small babies to these events and they will gurgle, spit, and sneeze their viruses into the air, which is already warmed to the perfect breeding temperature. A bacterial burgoo, I think they call it."

"Why do they not cancel these activities or keep their children home from school if they know of the danger?"

"If you do not go to school, you cannot start in the game."

"But the schools…surely they…"

"Many tax dollars will be withheld for every day a child is not in attendance. The schools are strapped with a marvelous No Germ Left Behind policy!"

"So how does this cripple a nation?"

"Health care costs skyrocket, the sale of over the counter cold medicines eats into the family’s budget, more medical staff are needed during the winter months, and the stock in Kleenex hits record highs. The nation is paralyzed."

"Ballalm be praised! You have hit upon the perfect plan! Just plant a single germ and let the infidel bring his own house down! When can we implement this marvelous plan?"

"Anyone have a cold?"

Several snifflers raised their hands.

"Please pass this handkerchief around and everyone take a turn sneezing into it. A couple of good splatters and America is ours!"

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.