The Coonridge Digest: Inaugural “Ya-Hoo”

Greetings from the Ridge.

For a mere $200,500 the Mandarin Oriental in Washington will put you and seven friends up for four nights of inaugural splendor, fly you in on private jet, and chauffeur you around town.

The doormen at the Ritz-Carlton will be wearing Stetsons and serving rattlesnake nachos, and sending special "toast jockeys" to be sure that your Texas toast will be delivered to the room piping hot. The $150,000 four-night stay includes a butler who will travel to your home to pack your bags, $20,000 set of new luggage, and you’ll have a massage therapist on call 24 hours day. The Sofitel Lafayette has a "Don’t Mess With Texas" deal for a paltry $75,000 including Tony Lama snake skin boots and a reproduction of Roy Rogers’ spurs. Ya-Hoo.

If you want to show the world you’re a real cheapskate, you can opt for the Fairmount’s $10,000 a night "President for a Day" package including beluga caviar, Dom Perignon, and actors hired to pose as Secret Service agents.

The Jefferson Hotel has yet to have any takers for its $1 million deal with five nights, private jet, and gold his and hers Rolexes. No takers? What in the world has happened to patriotism?

Since we’re at war, the President’s inauguration committee has decided to hold the cost down to a measly $40 million (not including security and certainly not including the millions spent by corporations to secure future votes) and they plan to get the bulk of it from private fat cats according to the New York Times. For $100,000 you’ll get tickets to the official events including an "elegant" candlelight dinner with a special appearance by Bush. If you write a check for the "underwriter package" you’ll get the official tickets, two additional tickets for an "exclusive" lunch with Bush and Cheney, and access to the inaugural ball of your choosing. To my reckoning, that makes Bush worth $100,000 and Cheney $150,000. I wonder who priced that one?

But don’t worry, the committee promises a "solemnity" to the parties since even they realize that we are at war. I dare you to take a peak at the galas, balls, and beer fests and point out the solemn partygoers.

Reagan went for a low-key second inauguration and Bill Clinton (after being stung by criticism for offering nights in the Lincoln Room) cut out special interest contributions for his second celebration. Not our current chief. While U.S. soldiers are dying in Iraq and going without needed protective equipment, we’re going to break all records for second inaugurals.

And families sitting at home trying to pay the bills with their father or mother in the Reserves or National Guard will turn on their television sets and see gold light up the Washington sky because we are "Celebrating Freedom." For some, perhaps the $12,000 death benefit will make it all seem worthwhile.

There are several degrees of lunacy that have been displayed in the planning for this inauguration. Stupid is probably the lowest descriptor and perhaps the only one for which I can have any sympathy.

Wasteful kicks the sin up a notch. But when men and women are dying, the only accurate description of all this waste is simply "obscene."

We should all be ashamed. I don’t give a toot who God told you to vote for, He surely can’t be pleased with this most public disregard for the true needs of this world.

And, like a the newest 1200-calorie Fast Food Mega-Burger that makes us fat, tells the world we’re gluttonous, and dribbles all over our national shirt, we’ll gobble up the inauguration because, "By golly we deserve it!"

Our little community lost one of its greatest citizens recently. He was perhaps the wealthiest man I ever knew and he drove a well-used Chevrolet. He could buy and sell most of us and he thought that having more than two pair of shoes was an extravagance. How did he celebrate freedom? He often told me that, "The proudest day of my year is April 15th when I get to pay my taxes." For him, that was a celebration of Freedom.

Some things are hard to stop…getting into wars for questionable reasons, millions dying of AIDS in the Third World, hunger, and devastating tsunamis. But to throw an extravagant party while 30,000 will die today of hunger, young men and women put their lives on the line for freedom, and hundreds of thousands continue to suffer the wrath of tidal waves…well, that’s just shameful. It’s obscene.

Mr. President, if you want to celebrate freedom, stand up there, put your hand on the Bible and take the oath of office. You were duly elected by a free people and that ought to be enough reason to celebrate.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.