The Coonridge Digest: Giving computers?

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

What I read didn’t surprise me, and then it did. Last week the Associated Press said that a huge percentage of Christmas gifts will be of the electronic variety. No shocker there. The astonishing part came when the report said that parents or grandparents would purchase most of these electronic gifts.

Whoa!" I thought. "Granny is giving computers instead of gloves and socks?"

Well, I rushed right down to the Coonridge Bureau of Consumer Affairs to check out a few of these gizmos. I envisioned a nation of geriatrics doling out digital doo-dads with no idea of what they were giving.

Thus…Freida’s Quick Guide to Christmas Electronics. Clip this and take it with you before you start filling Junior’s stocking.

DVD… This stands for …well, I’m not sure what it stands for …just call it Darned Video Device. Translated, it means a more expensive VCR.

If you don’t recognize "VCR," then you’re hopeless anyway and should stick with the aforementioned mittens.

A DVD is shaped like a CD. In fact, it is a CD. And a CD is that thing that can hold the contents of the Library of Congress, the names and addresses of everybody in the civilized world, the stars in the sky, and it won’t fit into your 8-track player. Kids watch movies on a DVD, and when played through a regular television it produces better quality which can’t be appreciated unless you have a HDTV which is more expensive than a regular TV. Of course if you want to go all the way, you can get a Flat Panel HDTV, which is better than a regular HDTV (not to be confused with a "regular" regular TV). The only known reason for having the top-of-the-line Flat Panel HDTV is the ultimate thrill you get when someone walks into your house and says, "Wow! It’s one of those Flat Panel HDTV’s!" This is important to some people, including perhaps those on your Christmas list. One final note on the DVD …the CD’s also include "extra footage" of the director explaining each shot.

No one ever watches these, but they may be occasion for someone to say, "Wow! Do you mean you can listen to the director explaining each shot?"

Of course if you put all this together, it is neither a CD, a DVD, nor a HDTV. It’s a "Home Theatre System." So much for the DVD. (Freida’s bottom line advice: A DVD is like a record player. Let somebody else buy the Victrola then you can buy the much-cheaper records.)

HANDHELD ORGANIZER… Is neither handheld very often nor does it organize anything. However, it does take up large chunks of time and if you are tired of your little (or big) relatives bothering you, this may be just the thing to keep them busy. For obvious reasons they have never simplified the Handheld Organizer to a two initial abbreviation, but the really good ones have lots of IM (Internal Memory), Wi-Fi (you don’t plug it in), PIM features (something about pictures), USB (so your handheld can cuddle with your PC), and a good TFT so you can see what it is your numbers in red and green instead of just basic black.

People who own these things spend endless hours tapping data into them.

Often they’ve missed the very appointments they’re organizing because they were busy organizing the next appointment. I’ve yet to meet a person who’s truly become more organized after purchasing one.

(Frieda’s bottom line advice: If you do give someone a Handheld Organizer, have them put it near their Home Theatre System. When someone enters their home and says, "Wow! A Home Theatre System! How do you keep it all organized, your cousin can proudly point to his you-know-what.)

VIDEO GAMES… These are given to children for the benefit of their parents. If you think television was a boon to the parent who wanted to ignore their children, you really must take a look at Video games.

These go under various names such as Game Boy and X-Box. The "X" stands for the content of many video games… which, by the way, no longer have anything to do with video, but that’s not important and I’ve probably lost you by now anyway. Many of the more vulgar and violent games must be purchased by someone over 18, then brought into the home and viewed by any toddler who knows how to stick a disc.

If all this leaves you in a state of electronic confusion, I’ll offer a few more suggestions …the TWK (Time With your Kids), the LST (Let’s Sit and Talk), and the CBYL (I Can’t Buy You Love.)

And then again, there’s always a mitten.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.