The Coonridge Digest: Have you washed your hands?

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

Herb, you can’t sit there all winter."

Wake me when the robins sing, Freida. I’m in this house ‘til the tulips bloom."

Herb, it’s just the flu. So what if we get it? We’ve had it before and lived to tell about it."

I ain’t leavin’ this house without a flu shot."

It’s like gasoline, Herb. They jack up the price claimin’ a shortage then once the price rises high enough we’ll have plenty of it."

Freida, what kind of idiots would allow such a thing to happen?"

You tell me. You voted for ‘em."

This is ridiculous! Only two companies in the world makin’ flu syrup…"

Serum."

Only two?"

They say the profits aren’t high enough, Herb. American drug companies only manufacture drugs that’ll make ‘em rich. They’ve got to store up enough profits to make campaign contributions."

If people die of the flu this summer there oughta be hell to pay."

Tell me about it. My guess is the British serum manufacturers didn’t contribute to the Bush campaign. We’re trying to give ‘em a black eye.

Herb, you’ve got to come out of the house. I’ve got to vacuum that carpet sometime between now and Christmas."

Have you called the doctor today?"

I’ve called the doctor every day. They recognize my voice and say No before I get a chance to ask."

The hospital?"

Hospital’s out."

Health department?"

They never got a single dose."

I’ve never heard of such nonsense. Why are they called the Health Department?"

This is Bush country, Herb. There’s no such thing as a Heath Department. Didn’t you hear your President in the Arizona debate? He said that health should be a private matter. The government should stay out of it. You’re supposed to buy a plane ticket to London and go get your own flu syrup."

But we can afford flu shots, Freida! It oughta be our right!"

That’s true. Havin’ some money should give us the right to live.

Getting rid of all those sick old people is a dandy way to cut down on health costs."

That’s not what I’m meanin’!"

What’re you gonna do about church?"

It’ll be there in the springtime."

I’ll have the minister bring communion."

Are you crazy? You realize how many sick people that minister has touched in week?"

I’ll cover him in Saran Wrap. He can shoot you the juice and cracker through a sterile tube."

I can take my own communion."

Not and remain a Methodist. What’re you reading?"

The newspaper."

You know how many hands that paper’s been through, Herb?"

Oh shoot."

I’m not gonna sterilize your mail, Herb. You might as well get out and take your chances."

I can survive this winter, Freida. Just let me be."

What about me?"

You wanna be silly enough to go outside, be my guest."

Herb, I might catch the flu and bring it home. Like The Mask of the Red Death, the plague will creep right in here and get you."

I’ve been meanin’ to talk to you about that, Freida. I was wonderin’ if you’d mind movin’ in with your cousins ‘til spring get here…

Freida! What’re you doin’!? Freida, let go my leg! Freida, shut that door! You can’t drag me…Freida, have you washed your hands?!"

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.