by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetin’s from the Ridge.
"Could I help you?"
"I’m here for my appointment with Dr. Charismar."
"Your name?"
"John Kerrey."
"I’ve seen you on television."
"Oh…really? That’s nice."
"Do you sell Buicks?"
"Can he see me now? I have a plane waiting."
"Right this way. Dr Charismar, John Kerrey is here for his appointment."
"Please come in, senator. Would you like to lie down on the couch?"
"Must I? I mean, it seems so…informal."
"Sit in the chair, senator. I’ll lie on the couch. Now…about your problem?"
"They say I have no personality, doctor…that I’m too stiff and rigid."
"Ridiculous. And please stop gripping the arms of the chair. Your knuckles are turning white. So what have you tried?"
"Well, I married a fiery lady with an exotic accent. I’ve started taking off my tie in rural areas, and I picked up a running mate with who looks like a TV weatherman. I’m trying doctor, I really am. But it doesn’t seem to be enough. People want more from a President. Bush slaps people on the back, he winks a great deal, he feeds them barbecue."
"But you can’t do these things?"
"I can’t. He looks dopey and it works. I can’t change who I am. And for gosh sakes, look at Dick Cheeny! They say I lack personality? And his language! Did you hear what he said on the floor of the senate?"
"It showed he had personality, senator. He may have picked up a million votes with that remark. Remember, we just elected The Terminator as governor of California and beef jerky is a food staple in many parts of the country."
"But doctor, I must be who I’m meant to be! I must be myself!"
"Senator, the last time I heard that line it came from Lillian Gish at the end of a silent movie. If I remember correctly, she then went over a waterfall and died."
"Then I’m hopeless? My stolid Yankee imperiousness counts for nothing?"
"Only if you’re a face on Mt. Rushmore. Have you considered changing your hairstyle? My wife says there’s nothing that refreshes her more than having her hair done. It’s very tall you know."
"My hair is not tall. My face is tall. My body is tall. My hair just sits on top of a tall body and tall head."
"You’re not being much help, senator. I mean let’s face it. You come in here wanting to change then you keep telling me you can’t change."
"Jokes. I’ve been trying a few jokes out on the campaign trail. Did you hear them?"
"Uh…I heard them. I just didn’t realize they were jokes. Look, I’m a psychiatrist and not a political advisor, but have you…you know…have you considered talking more about the issues?"
"In a Presidential campaign? I don’t know. What would people think?"
"Senator, whenever a President runs for a second term the election is nothing more than a referendum on his administration. It’s hardly ever about the challenger. Maybe you’re just trying too hard. There’s nothing that looks sillier than a man trying to be something he’s not."
"Like Bush pretending to be President?"
"I was talking about you, senator. Just ease up a bit. We want to see what a man will be like once he enters the Oval Office, not who he pretends to be in the campaign."
"So …I’m stuck with me?"
"If you’re elected, we’ll be stuck with you. Just let us see who you are."
"What about Lillian Gish?"
"She lived another forty years and made some great movies…until…
"Until what?"
"They heard her voice in the talkies."
"Oh……"
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.