The Coonridge Digest: Small town tourism

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

Looking down Main Street in Coonridge this morning I see the post office, the implement dealer, a flower shop, bank, and bar. That’s it.

Like so many small Midwestern towns, we must rely on our memories of the days of two grocery stores, three restaurants, a druggist, a doctor’s office, a combination funeral parlor and furniture store, a filling station on every corner, and a cute little shop selling the knick-knacks that ended up in next summer’s yard sale.

Nowadays the prairie village has been convenience-stored, strip malled, and WalMashed out of commercial existence. That, I suppose, is the way of the world and there’s no use harkening back to the days of the nickel malt and Fibber McGee and Molly.

It seems like what the little burgs need is to think deep about what they can still offer.

If you ask me, there’s just one viable answer: small town tourism. By the time July hits and you find you must mortgage your kids to buy gas money, you might want to consider steering clear of the interstates and mosey down those dark blue lines on the map…the roads that were once platted by rivers and woods and not the necessity of getting somewhere quickly.

Of course any good advertising campaign, be it Desert Storm or Bounty, the Quicker Picker-Upper needs a slogan. Various states have tried this. "Massachusetts. Make it Yours." "Virginia is for Lovers." (Herb and I went there once, casting a doubt of credibility over the claim.) "South Carolina: Smiling Faces, Beautiful Faces," "South Dakota. Great Faces. Great Places," (faces and places seem to be big this season…again, lots of folks haven’t met Herb), "Illinois. Find Yourself Here." (If you understand that one, let me know.) and "Missouri. Where the Rivers Run." (Most Missourians in springtime spend more time wondering when they’ll stop.)

I brought up the question at the weekly meeting of our town’s forum, the adult Sunday School Class at The Newly Reformed and Cautiously Inclusive Church of Coonridge. Lucille McBride had the first suggestion.

"That’s easy," she smiled. "Coonridge, Where You’re Treated Like Family." This comes from a woman who’s been through three husbands and won’t speak to either of her children unless they bring supper with them. I thanked her for her suggestion but hinted that all her idea was lacking only a few little things…originality, catchiness, and truth.

Mort Limley suggested "Coonridge, Where the Coffee Pot’s Always On." This idea had some merit since it appealed to a couple of our remaining senses. Again, all it lacked was truth since the majority of the town’s coffee addicts now get their coffee from the spigot at the convenience store. And with our town’s aging population I suggested that "Coonridge. Where Even De-Caf Can Be a Thrill!"

Clyde Barnes piped up and told me that if I was searching after the absolute truth in advertising we should go with "Coonridge. Duller than Heck and We Like It That Way." Most of us in the class allowed as how this was indeed true but perhaps it didn’t have enough appeal to drag people away from Branson and the two weeks in Paris.

We finally got warmed up and the ideas started flying. Ruth Scallion suggested "Coonridge, Where Nothing Changes, Including Our Minds." Roley Grimes gave us "Coonridge. Not Much, but Heck, Look at the Rest of the World." He later modified this to "Whatta You Expect? The Taxes Are Low!"

Hank Rupert usually sleeps through Sunday School class but can hear and respond to a benediction in even the soundest sleep, suddenly snorted to life and added, "Coonridge. Less Stress, More Rest." Hank then smiled at the satisfaction of once again bringing peace on earth and flopped his head back in blissful slumber.

Millie Talbert ended the week’s discussion with what could be a winner: "Coonridge. Don’t Worry. They’ll Never Find You Here."

My favorite is still Wisconsin’s bumper stick designed to poke a friendly jab and the hordes of Illinois tourists who annually travel up to rummage the state. "Wisconsin. Come Smell Our Dairy Air!"

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.