by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetin’s from the Ridge.
"Freida, I can’t believe this! Shut off the pump! Shut off the pump! Good night a-mighty this is robbery!"
"If you’d just once get off your tail and pump your own gas, you could shut off the gas pump yourself."
"That settles it. Next time I’m gonna drive out of town to get cheaper gas."
"To where? Bombay? It’s all over the country, Herb. Summer vacations are about to start and the price of gas magically goes up."
"It’s the Saudis."
"You blame everything on the Saudis, Herb. Last week you bit into a stale communion cracker and muttered, ‘Derned Saudis.’"
"Did not."
"I heard you."
"I said soggy."
"You said Saudis."
"Besides, in Hong Kong it’s $5.45 a gallon."
"Hong Kong’s a shorter country. They don’t have to drive as far."
"It’s $2.75 in Australia. That’s a long country."
"They get better gas mileage in Australia."
"They do?"
"It’s in the Southern Hemisphere. Less gravity."
"Herb, you’re a nincompoop."
"I read where it’s just 14 cents a gallon in Venezuela."
"All the Venezuelan oil companies are owned by the government, Herb. Not just the friends of the Vice President."
"You’re blamin’ this on Bush?"
"What’s the price of gas?"
"A buck-eighty."
"Who’s president?"
"Freida, it’s the Democrats and their EPA. Heck, we’ve even gotta buy refined gasoline from overseas, not just crude oil. It’s these blasted environment laws!
You can’t even afford to make gas in this country!"
"And that comes from an old gasser. Herb, do you wanna live in a polluted world?"
"I can roll up the windows. Just let me drive where I want. What’s the pump say now?"
"Fifteen dollars and it’s still dingin’."
"Shut it off! That’s enough!"
"We’re headed to St. Louis, Herb!"
"But that’s south of us! We’ll put it in neutral and coast downhill."
"Herb, you’re a nincompoop. Eighteen dollars and no sign of stoppin’. You know, if you’d just for once consider a car that gets better mileage…"
"I ain’t drivin’ no little foreign buggy with my tail draggin’ on the ground!"
"No, you want a pickup truck that sits higher than a combine so you be the biggest dog at the coffee shop."
"I refuse to drive a foreign car."
"How about a Chevy Cavalier? Nearly forty miles a gallon."
"Cavalier’s a French word."
"Herb you sit in your Mexican made chair eatin’ Chinese food and spillin’ it on your Taiwan Nikes. And we just passed twenty bucks on the pump."
"Get your hand off the nozzle, Herb!"
"Cut the hose, you crazy woman! I am not payin’ twenty bucks for a tank of gas!"
"You’re right. It’s up to twenty-two."
"Okay! Shut it off! I’ll walk! I’ll walk!"
"To St. Louis?"
"No, but everywhere else. To church, to the coffee shop, to get the mail. I’m a man on a mission, Freida. They can’t do this to me!"
"It finally stopped. $23.40. Go in and pay the tab."
"It’s rainin’. I’ll just pull the car up."
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.