Coonridge Digest: Just askin’

Dear Lord… Greetin’s from the Ridge. Forgive me, but I’m confused again. I know we’ve discussed this before, but I’m still baffled, and since God is renowned for having all the answers, I just thought I’d ask.

I just received a mass email from a Republican friend informing me that you are on the side of the Republicans and that I should pray that the "Godless forces in America" (Democrats) be defeated. The Republicans haven’t listed you on their register of official donors, but somehow your name keeps coming up in their literature. The President has often asked us to appeal to your Holiness to help reinforce his foreign policy.

I haven’t received any messages from the Democrats asking me to pray that the Republicans be defeated but I know Democrats who pray and I’m of the notion that they may have their own ideas about what’s to happen this November. Clergy who live north of the Mason-Dixon line are notorious for their liberal affiliation and I’d bet dollars to donuts that they’re voting Democratic.

I know that the Apostle Paul said we should be all things to all people, but Lord, are you really operating on both sides of this fence?

And in case you think you need to even out your political attachments, Lord, I’ve got to tell you: Republicans do send more email. Maybe they’re retired and have more time. I don’t know. But if you’ve got any Democratic leanings you might want to step up the speed on your modem.

Osama bin Laden has said that you’re on his side. This seems peculiar for a man hell-bent on the annihilation of the Western Hemisphere, but it’s a fact that he’s claiming you as an ally. In the past week, two other Islamic terrorist leaders have claimed that they are simply blowing up people to heed your will. Meanwhile, a good many faithful folks around the world are sure that you’re on the side of America and its allies.

This is terribly confusing.

I’m not asking for a thunderbolt or even a new Mel Gibson movie. But if you could just give me a little hint? With the whole world claiming you to be in their camp, things can get a bit confusing for those of us who truly want the truth of the matter, no matter who wins the election…or the war.

Herb and I seldom venture out of the safe arms of our conservative little home church but on one memorable occasion we visited a congregation who did a good deal more jumping around than your average Methodist. These folks didn’t look upon church as a place to sit for an hour, be calmed, and then shake a few hands on the way out the door. Their hands were busy but they were upraised nearly most of the night, and while I sort of enjoyed the liveliness of the place, Herb spent the evening trying to inch out the back door.

At the climax of the preacher’s sermon, he strode down out of the pulpit, pointed a finger at me and told me what God had in mind for the rest of my life. I’ll be honest… I have no recollection of what he said. I was too flummoxed. (Herb told me later that the minister said I was to be a quiet housewife, obedient to her husband’s every wish. Herb lies. Even in church.)

My only thought was "Why in the heck didn’t the Lord tell me?" I mean no disrespect, Lord, but I’ve got friends who talk about me to others on matters they wouldn’t dare mention to my face. You wouldn’t stoop to gossip, would you, Lord?

If all these folks claim to have God on their side and allow as how we should gladly jump into their ranks, why have you been so silent on the matter? Yes, I could be accused of not listening, I suppose, but it doesn’t exactly take immaculate reception for me to hear a call to war… or politics.

My advice? (And I know you don’t need my advice, Lord, but just in case you want another opinion.) Tell some of these folks to take a walk outside their own door. Or better yet, a little further down the street. Before the sun sets, 40,000 children will die in the Third World…and each child will die from starvation or from simple preventable disease. Why didn’t you speak to some politician or warlord about this? A half-million kids died of AIDS last year. A million and a half U.S. kids are homeless.

If you are truly speaking to all these folks on a daily basis, why in the world wouldn’t you bring up a subject that involves life instead of death? Have you quit talking, Lord? Or would you rather talk to someone who just wants the truth?

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.