by Freida Marie Crump
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Greetin’s from the Ridge.
I wish they’d quit delivering Fran Wooley’s newspaper. If the morning’s news sets her off, she grabs the phone and I’m doomed to a twenty-minute conversation that invariably interrupts my morning chores.
"Freida, did you see it? She’s leaving him!"
"Who’s leaving who, Fran?"
"Barbie. Forty-three years and she’s leaving Ken."
"You’re not talking to me about dolls at seven in the morning are you, Fran? Tell me you’re not talking about dolls."
"It’s more than dolls, Freida. It’s an American tradition. Mattel said that Barbie was dumping Ken for a foreigner."
"How do you know a doll is a foreigner, Fran? Does a doll have an accent?"
"Freida, he’s blonde and muscled and his name’s Blaine. He’s got to be Swedish."
"A terrorist from Stockholm. It sounds like a conspiracy, Fran."
"That’s exactly what I think. It’s the liberals, Freida."
"Liberals! Fran, have you completely. . . ..?"
"Freida, I know you’re a Democrat and I wouldn’t hurt your feelings for the world, but with all these gay marriages…."
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Barbie broke up with Ken because he’s gay?"
"It’s subtle, Freida. The liberals come at you low and quietly. Then before you know it, they’ve completely corrupted the minds of our children."
"Fran, you give us liberals way too much credit. I know lots of my fellow Democrats and none of us are that smart."
"Well…not on your own, maybe. It’s the power that’s behind you."
"The devil? Fran, I’ve told you over and over, Satan is not a liberal. He’s too smart for that. Besides, liberals live in the colder climates and they wouldn’t be caught dead in a bright red outfit. Say what you will, liberals have a sense of style, Fran."
"I’m not kidding, Freida. First it’s President Bush, then Ken."
"President Bush is gay?"
"No! The liberals are trying to change the status quo! We can’t defeat a President in the middle of a war and with an economic recovery!"
"Your husband still looking for a job, Fran?"
"He was down-sized. That has nothing to do with it."
"Oh."
"Freida, President Bush has God on his side."
"Really."
"He attended the Daytona 500 didn’t he?"
"Which car was God driving?"
"The President was right there among the common people saying the pledge to the flag."
"Union or Confederate?"
"Freida, I only called you because I’m concerned about your soul. I’ll be honest about it."
"Thanks for your concern, Fran. Listen, I’ve got to go. The timer on my oven just went off."
"I didn’t know you baked."
"I just started this morning. I was gettin’ tired of things that were half-baked."
"Just promise me this, Freida…promise me that you’ll think about it. And don’t forget about Harry Potter."
"I fully expect him to beat out John Kerry at the Democrat convention, Fran. I’ll ponder him all morning. Now I’ve got to go."
"Promise to think about what I said?"
"Believe me, Fran, I’ll give your words all the thought they deserve."
"Want to meet me for coffee later?"
"If I get time. I’d really planned on running through Coonridge naked leading a peace protest. Remember, I’m a liberal."
It scares me to hear the phone ring in the morning. The only thing that scares me more is to think that Fran’s vote counts the same as mine.
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.