Coonridge Digest: Freida’s Fool Service

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

This may be the answer to unemployment. Forget full-service, I’m starting up Freida’s Fool Service.

For a reasonable fee and prominent mention in your next book, I will supply you with a fool. You supply room, board, and enough rope to hang yourself, and I’ll send you your very own fool.

The fool, or court jester, was employed by the King to tell him things that nobody else dared. Like the little lad who boldly declared the emperor was buck naked, the rich and famous of this world are in more need of fools than loyal attendants. The fool of antiquity was tolerated and even loved because in spite of his criticisms of the king, he was after all…a fool. Who but a fool would be so daring as to tell the truth?

I watch the plight of pampered performers like Michael Jackson and think what that guy needs is a good fool. I’m sure that the great Michael has hired enough adoring attendants to flatter him straight into perdition, but what the poor kid needs is a guy dressed in blue and jeans and T-shirt, simply leaning over his shoulder and saying, "Mike, you’re an idiot. Stop that. And here, let me hold the baby."

The former Treasury Secretary has caused a flap over writing a book saying that our President has no resident fool. Although most Democrats would say the Commander in Chief is blessed with over-abundance, I’m of the notion that George could use my services. It’s got to be hard to disagree with the President of the United States. Among other encumbrances, there’s the fact that he’s the one who got you your present job.

The President could use a genuine fool walking behind him saying, "George! George! You’re looking silly. Stop that." And… "George, they can see through that. Ask for another opinion. And for once, just don’t talk."

Since I’m a personal friend of Martha Stewart (I bought one of her pillow cases.) I’d loan her a personal fool until the trial’s over. Sure, it would have done her more good back in 2001 when he could have whispered. "Martha… listen babe. I know the stock’s goin’ down but suck it up, girl, just suck it up."

I’d think Britney Spears could easily afford my Rent-A-Fool. In fact, I’ve come up with his opening line. "Forget about ‘Will you love him tomorrow?’ Think about two hours from now. And by the way, for you next wedding try serving Pepsi."

And nobody’s in need of a good fool like a Democrat. "Howard! Howard! Easy, son! You want folks to get to know you, and that’s just the trouble. They’re learning! They’re learning!"

Don’t think I’ve entered on to this new job because I only notice the need of others. Believe me, it comes from a long and painful need for a fool of my own. Oh, the consternation I might have saved if I’d have had a little imp on my shoulder whispering his fool-talk into my ear:

"Freida, your friends are too embarrassed to tell you and your husband hasn’t even noticed, but don’t wear those pants in public. Just because they looked good on the sale rack that doesn’t mean they look good on yours. Either burn ’em or stay indoors today." Or…..

"Freida, if you pay your porch builder early that’ll be the last you see of him." Or maybe…

"Hold it, baby! That thought you got in your head? If you let it out of your mouth you’ll be regrettin’ it for years. For once just hold your tongue, woman! Hold your tongue!" Or even…

"Freida, I know this may come as a shock, but there are times when you’re simply wrong. At least consider the possibility before you make an even bigger fool of yourself."

I obviously wouldn’t take this sort of talk from anyone I knew or who I could reach with the back of my right hand. That’s why everybody needs a fool… including me. I wonder if a few wars might have been avoided, a few thousand soldiers’ lives spared, if there weren’t more fools running about. Oh, we’ve had a few but we’ve labeled them "whistle blowers" or "traitors."

Too bad. There’s a great deal to be said for foolishness. If you don’t have just a bit of it, it’s like a blind man in a roomful of…. Oh never mind. Somebody’s already used that line.

At least in my case, the best way to avoid becoming an idiot is to hire a good fool.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.