Coonridge Digest: Christmas Survival Guide

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

It’s a battle. You get up in the morning and read your devotion about the simplicity of Christ’s birth then you step out into a world hell-bent on turning it into an orgy of profits and excess. Before you drive a block the babe in swaddling clothes has become a profit-making adman complete with Abercrombie wise men and Gap-bedecked shepherds herding digitally shorn sheep.

Whew. Excuse my spiritual laxative. I’m feeling much better now.

Okay. It doesn’t exactly equal the Second Coming but I have come up with a battle plan to combat the soul-stress of Christmas. If you’re wondering how to keep your sacred sanity in the midst of the annual blasphemy bash, you might want to try one or two of these from the not-yet-published Christmas Survival Guide:

Fire with Fire. The next time a salesclerk admonishes you to "Have a Nice Day" without even making eye-contact, simply say, "Thank you, I will. Now…why?" He or she will by this time be anxiously looking down the line to the next shopper as the change is dropped into your hand. If absolutely necessary, grab her hand and ask the red-vested money-taker just why she’d like to you have a nice day. You might want to prime the pump with an opener like, "Do you really care for me that much?" If she seems open to further conversation, you might even try a stab at "Do you really love me?" Of course if you go this far it’s only decent to tell her that you love her too and that you wish the nicest of days on her and all her kin.

Christmas Cacophony. Your hearing will be the sense most bombarded in this high-volume season. Even commercials for Lite Beer will be accompanied by the jingle of sleigh bells with the implication that if the shepherds hadn’t been tipsy they’d have never left their flocks by night. Every store will have Burl Ives, Donny Osmond and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir trying to whip you into a frenzy of impulse buying. The advice of the Christmas Survival Guide is to Sing Along! At full voice! Dance if you feel so moved. Don’t fight it, join in the spirit! If you’re approached by Scrooge of a department manager asking you to control yourself, just smile and ask him to have a nice day.

Counter-Programming. You look at the calendar and find you have two weeks until Christmas. Somewhere in that stretch you’ve got to actually get yourself ready for the holiday but you scan the week’s events to see the church Christmas cantata, the school Christmas program, the office Christmas party, your club’s annual Christmas dinner, and several nights simply marked "Christmas thing with the usual group."

At most of these occasions you’ll be asked to bring cookies or gifts or finger food or your wallet. The advice of the Christmas Survival Guide: It’s the flu season. Tell ‘em you’ve got it. With the way the epidemic is spreading there’s at least a decent chance.

Overstuffing. Come January 1st we’ll be slathered with self-help articles on how to lose the pounds we’ve picked up over the holidays. The Christmas Survival Guide recommends that you politely take everything offered to you at one party, rewrap it and take it to the next. The price and calories of a week’s worth of parties can be overcome with a single roll of colorful Saran Wrap. If this flaps up against your guilt, think of it as recycling.

Hymned-In. Nothing ruins a good song like days and days of endless repetition. If you don’t take certain precautions, by the time you reach Christmas Eve you’ll be so sick of Christmas carols that you’ll want to hang Bing Crosby and the local church choir on the nearest Christmas tree.

The Christmas Survival Guide gives this simple advice: Just listen to the words. Ignore the tinseled trappings and hear what the songs are saying. You’ll find that the message is still simple, still profound, and no amount of repetition can dull their impact on your life. Merry Christmas.

Perhaps the worst malaise of the season is the inexplicable weight that simply crushes down upon you as Christmas Day approaches. Part guilt, part sadness, and mostly simple weariness crashes in like the hooves of eight reindeer on your roof. The Christmas Survival Guide simply advises to stop and look around. Once a year a good part of the world stops and looks in the same direction. Despite the silly ways we celebrate it, Christmas gives us a fresh chance to show our children and ourselves what hope is all about.

Americans in recent years have been accused of being insensitive to the religions of others. Perhaps it’s some consolation to the believers of other faiths that we’re equally insensitive to our own. Let’s take the cure. We can do better.

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.