Coonridge Digest: Hang tight, old woman!

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

"Freida! What’re you doin’!?"

"I’m gonna burn it."

"That’s your passport!"

"I know it’s my passport. Have you got a match? I think the pilot light’s gone out on the stove."

"Freida, we haven’t had a gas stove for thirty years."

"Oh heck. I forgot. I’m upset, Herb. I’m distracted. Just shoot me and put me out of my misery."

"Why are you burnin’ your passport, Freida?"

"I’ve got no use for it. My travelin’ days are over."

"You love to travel, Freida! You’ve always said that the sweetest moments of your life were those you spent zippin’ around the globe!"

"That was before I read this."

"What’s that?"

"Look at this article in the paper. Boeing Company is trying to convince the FAA to install cameras in all the cockpits and passenger areas."

"You’re kiddin’."

"Read it. They think it’ll give ‘em a early warning on highjackings. Like that’d do any good."

"Sounds like a good idea to me, Freida. Who cares if they’ve got a camera or two? What are you so upset about?"

"I sleep with my mouth open, Herb! You tell me that all the time!"

"Lots of people sleep with their mouths open. That’s what keeps ‘em breathin’ for gosh sakes!"

"Go in the bathroom, Herb. Open your mouth, close your eyes, then just look at yourself."

"That’d be hard to do, sweetheart."

"I can just see the vision of me layin’ with my head crooked on an airline pillow, mouth open and droolin’ onto my jumpsuit, then watchin’ the whole thing on America’s Funniest Home Videos the next week. I’d never be able to show my face in town again."

"Keep your mouth shut when to go uptown and they won’t recognize you."

"Gimme a match, Herb."

"Freida, this is just one of them things we’re gonna have to endure if we want to stay safe."

"Herb, you don’t have to put those Republican bumper stickers on your truck. You’ve got it written all over your face."

"Sleepin’ with your mouth open is not a political issue, woman!"

"It’s a moral issue, old man! Have you seen me plop into an airline seat? I look like a glacier calving. One big whoosh and the chunk falls into the drink. Then when I get up it makes such a vacuum that my seatmate has to hang onto his plastic silverware for fear it’ll get sucked into the abyss. It just ain’t right, Herb! The airlines make the seats smaller and smaller while I get bigger and bigger then they shoot film of the whole thing just to add a little entertainment to the Congressional hearings. Gimme a match, quick."

"Freida, as long as you don’t pull a gun or start slashin’ the seats with a butcher knife, no one’s gonna care what you look like in an airplane seat. The FAA has more important matters to digest than the sight of Freida Marie Crump lowerin’ her flaps and comin’ in for landing."

"Okay Herb, when you go to sleep tonight I’m gonna sit in a chair and watch you."

"You’re gonna what?"

"I’m gonna watch you. I’m gonna sit right there and stare at you while you try to go to sleep."

"I can’t sleep with somebody watchin’ me."

"I rest my case. Here, look at this picture, Herb."

"What is it?"

"It’s a shot I took of you on our 12-hour flight to Australia. Your mouth’s open, your belts undone with your belly hangin’ out, your shoes are off and your lower denture is sittin’ on your chest. Hey, where you goin’?"

"Hang tight, old woman. I’ve got matches in the truck."

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.