by Debbie Farmer
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My husband is trying to save money again. I know this not because he’s clipping coupons promising three-for-a-dollar cans of tuna or making us walk around the house in the dark with candles. I know this because, suddenly, everything in our house is bigger. Much, much bigger.
Let me explain.
Nowadays, there’s a popular belief that if you want to save money you have to buy twice as much as you did before. Yes, it sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you don’t believe me just ask anyone who buys household supplies in bulk.
Or you could save time and just ask my husband. As of yesterday evening, there are approximately 52 rolls of paper towels stacked around the car in the garage, eight rolls in the panty, three stuffed underneath the ottoman, six in the laundry room on top of the dryer, two holding up the CD player, and one stacked next to the recliner, doubling as a handy drink table. This isn’t because we’re a particularly messy family, mind you. It’s because, strangely enough, paper towels are a whopping three cents cheaper per roll if you buy a bazillion at a time.
To be fair, my husband isn’t the only one who believes that more is, well, less. Last week, my friend Libby’s husband bought a giant box containing 400 feet of plastic wrap, enough to seal in his entire house. Now, why does anyone on this planet need to own this much plastic, you ask? Well, no one really knows for sure. But by using a complex formula based on algebraic theories and lucky guesses, he figured it was cheaper per foot than buying the usual measly roll of 25 feet. And everyone knows that this is what’s important if you want to save serious money.
It’s funny how it happens. I mean, suddenly a man, who can’t balance the checkbook or understand pre algebra, sees an abnormally large amount of something, then whips out all sorts of measuring equipment and calculators and finds out exactly how much it costs per foot. It’s astounding, really. And never mind that everyone now has to follow special instructions on how to tear the plastic wrap off so they don’t accidentally amputate their arms at the elbow-thus racking up thousands of dollars in medical bills. Or that everything in the house, including the sofa, is wrapped in plastic, to justify his purchase.
But let’s face it: There are worse ways to save money. Like, for instance, my friend Susan’s way. Every time she goes to the movies, she tries to pass off her son, who is in third grade and on the small side, as being under five, the "free" age. Let me just say that, on top of being illegal and wrong, this method is, well, stressful. This is because every time we take the kids to the movies, I envision the attendant taking our tickets and saying, "Enjoy the movie." And her son replying, in a very loud, confident voice, "Oh, I will. After all, nowadays, the computer generated 3-D rendered animation graphics are much better than they used to be." Then suddenly sirens go off and several police officers burst out of the security booth and arrest us all. Sure, unlikely, but stranger things have happened.
Me, I’m going to stick to saving money the old-fashioned way: by buying less stuff. And, who knows, maybe with all of the free time I’ll have by not shopping, I’ll finally find a good use for the 500 yards of tin foil my husband stored in the garage.
Like maybe braising the car.