Coonridge Digest: Brown shirts to superstores

Greetin’s from the Ridge.

Pity the poor Pres. The fella just gets through ducking the slings and arrows of the world because he liberated Iraq, and now they start tossing their darts when he tries to reorganize the place. If it’s any consolation, George, the same thing happens on Coonridge. The movers and shakers are forever getting slammed by the sitters and squawkers.

Now don’t think I’m a hawk on this. There’s a lot to be said for sitting and squawking. Some of my best friends are sitters and squawkers. Frankly, I prefer a well-seasoned sitter to a dyed-in-the-tongue squawker but both have their place in a free society.

Although George W. lives a bit to the right of the place I call home, I’d be glad to offer up some advice for the cause of world peace. It seems like one side or the other has shot down every plan

the administration comes up to set Iraq on its feet. Bring in the military and we become imperialists. Consult Iraq’s neighboring dictatorships and we’re headed for another dictatorship.

Allow a free election and the Iraqi people might elect a government unwilling to cozy up with Uncle Sam. Maybe it’s time to think outside the box.

My Uncle Pete said that if you wanted a job done right, then look around for the busiest fella you know and hire him to do it. According to Pete, those who don’t do much don’t get much done.

That’s why my first proposal for the reorganization of Iraq is the United Parcel Service. I propose to give UPS the contract to change the face of the Middle East. Just think of it, thousands of brown trucks zipping up and down the length of Iraq. An army of brown-shirted and shorted deliverymen and women throwing up a post office here, a police department there. There’s a no nonsense professionalism about the typical UPS driver that might even make the Saudis stand up and take delivery.

You ever try to get a UPS man to stop and talk? It’s “Thank you, M’am, and hit the road Jack!”

Heck, they don’t even shut off their trucks.

It’s a fact on the Ridge that if you want something done fast, call UPS.

And you’ll have no need for CNN to embed reporters. Just a click on the UPS web page can track the status of the rebuilding campaign.

If the world balks at the idea of Iraqi being rebuilt on bar coding and brown caps, then I’d suggest using the I.R.S. In my entire tax-paying life, the Internal Revenue Service has never once failed to send me my tax bill. They’re never late, they take no excuses, and the very sight of the IRS return address on the letter in your trembling hand will cause even the most notorious dictator to quake in fear. Yes, I know that the IRS is universally hated by anyone who’s ever earned a nickel, but a healthy dislike of the government will put the Iraqis on the road to full-fledged democracy.

Knowing that the above schemes would be pooh-poohed by some of my more conservative friends, I’ve saved my big guns for last. My final and proudest entry in the Build Iraq controversy is an idea that’s not only loved by every red-blooded fan of freedom and truth, but it embodies everything the free world has to offer: Turn it all over to Wal-Mart.

Having a little trouble with the neighboring Iranians, Turks, or Syrians? Wal-Mart makes quick of the competition and at prices you can afford.

Our list of captured former Iraqi officials is getting longer than the average Kuwait Motel Six can house so put the rascals out gathering up carts in the parking lot. It’ll not only be good therapy but it may drive insurance rates down as the number of door dings decreases.

The biggest controversy in rebuilding Saddam’s old stomping grounds has been how to accommodate all the various ethnic groups. Hey! Wal-Mart is departmentalized and some of the stores are so stinking big you can go all day and never see the same shopper twice. And it’s a great place to get lost. A Tennessee woman lost her child in a Nashville Super Store for three days and the kid thought it was the grandest vacation he’d ever had.

If the military insists on having a hand in the reorganization then put the old duffers at the door as greeters. “Hi, I’m retired Colonel Ben Knock Em Silly, welcome to WalMart!”

Oh, there’ll be those who think that this plan lacks precautions. Ha!

“You have just breached WalMart security. Do not leave the building. A service representative will…”

You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you’ll enjoy the trip.